It was a game
I am unsure of writing this, but the idea came to me, while I was in the tub. I used to think of the Big M and even sex as a game. Sometimes you won and sometimes you lost. How many men can I get this week? How many orgasms? How many can I squeeze in a day? Can I do this in the bathroom, with a house full of people, and no one will notice? How many toys can I accumulate this year? Can I justify that latest orgasm with my celibacy course (setting captives free) and advisor?
Of course, when you play a game, there are casualties on both fronts. Kind of like battleship. I sink your lousy canoe and you sink my yacht. I haven't played the game in a while, as you can tell. Everyone loses when it comes to casual sex. And no, not physically---mentally and spiritually.
____________________________________________________________________________
I been noticing a theme lately in my readings and in church, IDOLATRY. Worshipping other gods besides God. I found this verse in my celibacy course yesterday.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:1-10
The course also stated that " this is a spiritual act of violence that requires a battle plan and spiritual weapons. Radical action is required if we are to be free from the power of sin." We are to not only crucify sexual immorality, but also all "impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." Everything must go. are not only to destroy sexual immorality, impurity, evil desires, etc., but we are to also rid our lives of anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Col. 3:8).
Did you know you were worshipping false gods when you were giving in to evil desires?
Basically I think the verse is saying that we need to put to death, kill, remove, anything which belongs to our earthy nature, including sexual immorality. Sexual immorality and lust are forms of idolatry.
According to LeClaire, sexual immorality is any sexual act outside of the covenant of marriage. Any sex act (p. 32).
The course also provided a testimony, which could apply to me as well. When I was having sex, my mind was on sex, the next fix, the next high, the next orgasm, the next toy. My thoughts were consumed with sex. I guess what you think about the most, then that 's what you act on the most. The mind affects your behavior. If you think about lust long enough, then you will want to act on them. I know this celibacy was a struggle because sometimes I wanted to act on some of these naughty, lustful thoughts, but then I be back to the same position I was before. Alone and lonely. but If we set ourselves on the Lord, then our actions will be guided by the Father.
Then, I was reading another LeClaire passage.
People have to make a series of conscious decisions along the road to sexual immorality, reasoning away the reality of sin and relying on God's grace to be there when they are finished pursuing their fleshly desires. (p. 33). King David fell into sexual immorality with Bathsheba, repented, and continued walking in integrity for the rest of his life (p. 33). He (Solomon) also practiced a sinful lifestyle, despite being blessed as the wisest man in the world.
Yeah, that was another ouch moment. Let's touch on the soon-to-be-ex husband. When I cheated on him, the first man, I regretted. I was worried Sr would find out. I was worried about the ramifications. I was in distress, especially since, on a few occasions, he has put his hands on me. I did not have sex again with another man, until a few weeks later. My ex was also cheating. He would go to the club every weekend. Staying out all night, even to the point of not coming home. So, I felt justified and rationalized, when I started calling the chat lines and finding new sex partners online on blackplanet. One sexual encounter (I don't like affair because it signifies something long-term) lead to me having sex with 10 different men, 18 different times, in less than two months. I started cheating in February, 2005 and the last dude was on April, 1, 2005. The ex and I separated on April Fool's Day (Great holiday, I know).
____________________________________________________________________________
Another insight, I realized, while sitting in that tub. What is done in the darkness, can come into the light. Why is it when we watch porn, sometimes we close the door. Maybe we lock it. Make sure no one else is around. Close the curtain. Or maybe it's a porn magazine or a sex toy. You hide it under the bed, behind the sofa, where no one can find it. Your relatives are coming over and you have to hide your stash. You have to clear out the cookies, remove some bookmarks, maybe clear out any evidence in your phone. Put a lock on the phone. Lock down the internet. Why do we have to hide the credit card bill, to not have our partner know about those phone sex lines or even a pack of enhancement pills? If it is so right to have and engage in these things, why do we have to hide it from others?
On another note: back to those enhancement pills, that was a true story. Back when I was officially married, and not separated, I decided to go back to school. I wrote a check for the application fee and left the money in the bank account. The school called a few days later, saying the check bounced. I did not understand why. I paid my bills. I left the money in there. I called the bank. My wonderful ex, Brad Sr., had ordered some penis enhancement pills with my 100 dollars. I don't know who he got them for, but it was not me. Having something bigger would not cause me to want him any more. Yuck, sex with the sex. (I need a divorce, by the way. Looking for something cheap). I had to pay the application fee in cash, $125 dollars (application fee plus a bounced check fee). I told the ex I wanted my money back and those pills need to be returned because I filed an investigation. yuck. i did not like sex with my sex like that, where he needed to be bigger or last longer. yuck.
Anyway, I rambled long enough. Have a nice morning.
Of course, when you play a game, there are casualties on both fronts. Kind of like battleship. I sink your lousy canoe and you sink my yacht. I haven't played the game in a while, as you can tell. Everyone loses when it comes to casual sex. And no, not physically---mentally and spiritually.
____________________________________________________________________________
I been noticing a theme lately in my readings and in church, IDOLATRY. Worshipping other gods besides God. I found this verse in my celibacy course yesterday.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:1-10
The course also stated that " this is a spiritual act of violence that requires a battle plan and spiritual weapons. Radical action is required if we are to be free from the power of sin." We are to not only crucify sexual immorality, but also all "impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." Everything must go. are not only to destroy sexual immorality, impurity, evil desires, etc., but we are to also rid our lives of anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Col. 3:8).
Did you know you were worshipping false gods when you were giving in to evil desires?
Basically I think the verse is saying that we need to put to death, kill, remove, anything which belongs to our earthy nature, including sexual immorality. Sexual immorality and lust are forms of idolatry.
According to LeClaire, sexual immorality is any sexual act outside of the covenant of marriage. Any sex act (p. 32).
The course also provided a testimony, which could apply to me as well. When I was having sex, my mind was on sex, the next fix, the next high, the next orgasm, the next toy. My thoughts were consumed with sex. I guess what you think about the most, then that 's what you act on the most. The mind affects your behavior. If you think about lust long enough, then you will want to act on them. I know this celibacy was a struggle because sometimes I wanted to act on some of these naughty, lustful thoughts, but then I be back to the same position I was before. Alone and lonely. but If we set ourselves on the Lord, then our actions will be guided by the Father.
Then, I was reading another LeClaire passage.
People have to make a series of conscious decisions along the road to sexual immorality, reasoning away the reality of sin and relying on God's grace to be there when they are finished pursuing their fleshly desires. (p. 33). King David fell into sexual immorality with Bathsheba, repented, and continued walking in integrity for the rest of his life (p. 33). He (Solomon) also practiced a sinful lifestyle, despite being blessed as the wisest man in the world.
Yeah, that was another ouch moment. Let's touch on the soon-to-be-ex husband. When I cheated on him, the first man, I regretted. I was worried Sr would find out. I was worried about the ramifications. I was in distress, especially since, on a few occasions, he has put his hands on me. I did not have sex again with another man, until a few weeks later. My ex was also cheating. He would go to the club every weekend. Staying out all night, even to the point of not coming home. So, I felt justified and rationalized, when I started calling the chat lines and finding new sex partners online on blackplanet. One sexual encounter (I don't like affair because it signifies something long-term) lead to me having sex with 10 different men, 18 different times, in less than two months. I started cheating in February, 2005 and the last dude was on April, 1, 2005. The ex and I separated on April Fool's Day (Great holiday, I know).
____________________________________________________________________________
Another insight, I realized, while sitting in that tub. What is done in the darkness, can come into the light. Why is it when we watch porn, sometimes we close the door. Maybe we lock it. Make sure no one else is around. Close the curtain. Or maybe it's a porn magazine or a sex toy. You hide it under the bed, behind the sofa, where no one can find it. Your relatives are coming over and you have to hide your stash. You have to clear out the cookies, remove some bookmarks, maybe clear out any evidence in your phone. Put a lock on the phone. Lock down the internet. Why do we have to hide the credit card bill, to not have our partner know about those phone sex lines or even a pack of enhancement pills? If it is so right to have and engage in these things, why do we have to hide it from others?
On another note: back to those enhancement pills, that was a true story. Back when I was officially married, and not separated, I decided to go back to school. I wrote a check for the application fee and left the money in the bank account. The school called a few days later, saying the check bounced. I did not understand why. I paid my bills. I left the money in there. I called the bank. My wonderful ex, Brad Sr., had ordered some penis enhancement pills with my 100 dollars. I don't know who he got them for, but it was not me. Having something bigger would not cause me to want him any more. Yuck, sex with the sex. (I need a divorce, by the way. Looking for something cheap). I had to pay the application fee in cash, $125 dollars (application fee plus a bounced check fee). I told the ex I wanted my money back and those pills need to be returned because I filed an investigation. yuck. i did not like sex with my sex like that, where he needed to be bigger or last longer. yuck.
Anyway, I rambled long enough. Have a nice morning.
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