This is the update to the #30DayChallenge issued in August. I know I am absolutely late on this update, but I did not want to admit defeat.
In August, I failed 6 times. After not succeeding, I extended the challenge into September, where I failed 5 times. In October, finally, I made it 31 days without self-pleasure. I had to hold myself accountable to what I post. I noticed when I tracked the days, those self-defeating thoughts would creep in. You know you will fail. You know you are not having sex. You need to release some stress. I caved and failed for two months.
I went to a church sermon in August called At the Feet of Jesus Part 3. Pastor Mike said we should
Be transmitters while being changed. If you used to do something, but not as much, that's a change. My testimony does not require perfection
I thought my testimony required perfection. I could not post about the challenge if I did not succeed. I did not want to admit defeat. I used to have sex 3-6 days a week. Then, I went to 1-2 days a week, and then finally 0. It is almost my 4 year anniversary of not having sex. The journey has been hard.
It was hard giving up the porn, the toys, and masturbation. I gave up porn a year after hearing a voice, I needed to stop. I didn't want to watch porn around my kids. I gave up the toys after a lot of debate. But after the toys were gone, I resorted to one of two methods. Then, the guilt started coming in.
I never felt guilty before after self-pleasure. I started to feel guilty. I didn't like that feeling at all.