- Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt. I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ).I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos.I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.
Friday, January 16, 2015
January 1st, 2015
I started off my sexual experiences with a major lie, which I regretted since 1998. It was my first sexual experience and I was confused afterwards. Wasn’t sure what to feel, how to feel, or if I did the right thing by not waiting until marriage. I asked someone to help me figure out my feelings and he told me to tell my first, I was raped. I felt guilty, even now. Fast forward years past a decade and through a miracle, I was able to apologize to my first last year. All it took was a simple real name, instead of an alias, on a Paypal transaction. I am not sure what God was doing or what lesson he was trying to teach but I got to say I'm sorry.
Then, I met the ex-husband, in 1999. Even thought I am an introvert, I still desire company. I lied to him. Come visit me and you can get this or that sexual act, even though I did not mean it. I also believed his lies of how he was single and had no kids. I found out he lied about the kids shortly before we got married. I found out he lied about being single after I moved to second shift at my job.
I lied about my STD status for part of 2005. I couldn’t admit I had an STD. I was still faithful to the ex when I was diagnosed. I knew he was cheating, but having and admitting to an STD was out of the question. I didn’t tell my sex partners from Feb 2005 to around August 2005.
I told one dude, he was good in bed, when he wasn’t. He remembered and irritated me about it, until I had to come clean.
Or the dude, who wanted me to help him get a car. I had no job, but a checkbook. I didn’t have enough money in that account to cover his down payment. God was on my side because the check was never cashed. Dude was able to get his truck without messing me up. I believed his lies of us being together, moving in together, starting a business together.
I hate lying to folks. Kills what few conscience cells, I have left. After a while, I just started being honest, too honest, with people. I didn’t care if it hurt their feelings or not. Tact is not my friend, most times.
You will be a one-time fuck. I will never call you again. Nothing you can say or do can change my mind.
Of course, you have men, who believe you and men, who think their penis is the greatest thing in the world. I will be instantly mesmerized by their touch and call them back. HA. Needless to know, they were being compared to the greatest two of all time, who are both tied for #1. Was it fair? No, but that’s how it was.
I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t lie anymore.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
This post was written a few weeks back.
I overheard one of the most stupidest things ever, which inspired this blog post. Who is in control over your behavior, your thoughts, your actions?
If you do something, whether smart or dumb or perverse, who is responsible for your actions? Who is to blame.
A while back, a relative went to jail for hitting her child. I called the police because the relative was not going to stop. She was drunk and high over something she thought my cousin said. Did the cousin say it? Of course, cousin admitted to it later. The damage though, was not immediately reparable.
The cousin had told the relative's boyfriend about the side piece. They broke up for a day, a freaking day, and then he wanted to bail the relative out of jail. Not sure what the cousin was trying to prove by telling on her drinking and smoking buddy, but the damage was done.
The child moved in with her aunt temporarily until the case is complete. The relative has to check in with her parole/probation officer each week. She has to go to court for something once a month. She also has to pay a major fine, but she does not have the money. No job. No one in the family can help with an amount that big. She may be going back to jail.
Today, I overheard the child's grandmother tell the child, if the child had CONTROLLED her mother's behavior, then grandma would not have to find a way to save up $1800 before court next week. Grandma placed the blame on her granddaughter. Her granddaughter got hit in the head. She had a sprained arm. She had to go to the hospital.
The grandma did not place any blame my cousin for starting the fire. She did not blame her daughter for over-drinking, smoking, and pill popping. She did not blame her daughter for belligerent behavior. She did not blame her daughter for hitting the grand. She blamed the child, which is confusing the hell out of me.
I also got part of the blame for calling the police. I thought the child was hurt since her head was going against the wall repeatedly.
If child was able to Control her mother, who was already under the influence.
How many times have we blamed others for our bad behavior? Maybe we blamed the wrong person for someone else's behavior.
I remember when I was younger, my grandma had misplaced some jewelry. I slept in a bed in her room for stupid reasons. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 14. Prior to diagnosis, I slept in a bedroom with my mother, 2 sisters, and sometimes the father. My grandma felt sleeping in a room with 3 or more people caused Epilepsy so she bought me a bed to put in her room. My uncle also slept in there on the couch because he felt if the police came for him (for one of his many offenses), they wouldn't find him on the couch in his mother's room...
I don't wear too much jewelry. Most of my collection is in a small bag in my purse or in a ziplock in the closet.
Anyway, I got the blame for missing jewelry. I never seen it. Didn't know what it looked like. Eventually, my grandma found where she placed her own jewelry. She moved it when she was cleaning and forgot. I never got an apology but I was pissed for a long time.
She lost it, I got the blame for days, despite protest.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
I thought of some things, while in church today. Pastor Mike talked about the trap of pornography. Pastor Mike discussed David and Bathsheba. David lusted after Bathesheba, killed off her husband, and got her pregnant. The baby died though. David was a Christian with issues of the flesh.
David lusted after Bathsheba while she was bathing outside. Her husband, Uriah, was a soldier, and may not been able to afford indoor plumbing. She bathed at night when David was supposed to be sleep. David looked too long when he could have went back into the house.
Pastor Mike said it was wrong to engage through images because images can put pressure on the mind. Men have a chemical response to respond to a naked woman The switch is turned on in a world, we shouldn't be in. David had wives and concubines, but it wasn't enough to satisfy him. He wanted Bathsheba and he got her. Ancient History (About.Com) said David had 7 wives and multiple concubines.
I thought about my issues/former issues of the flesh. I used to watch porn on a regular basis. I gave that up shortly after moving to Texas. I used to get cranky when I went two weeks without sex. Don't let that break be followed by an outbreak or a cycle, I get real cranky. Of course, I had to make up for all the lost time by going on marathon to find regular and new sexual partners.
In Sunday School, I wrote a list of more things, which can not be said because of embarrassment, shame, or regret. Some things include my sex count, past sexual behavior, and former sex partners, who I should have left alone for various reasons.
I thought about the married men,who lied about being married. When I was married and cheating ( not condoning cheating), I told folks I was married and still got sex. I thought about a date, I had at Red Lobster. I called back to say Thank you and got fussed at because his wife, he didn't mention, was at home.
I thought about the date, I had at Hooters. Had a nice time, nice convo, nice sex. Woke up in the hotel room alone. Date had left. Found out later after texting him, he had a wife.
All these soul ties, I made, with people, I had no intention of commitment or marriage. A few, I wanted to commit to certain body parts.
On the opposite end, I thought about men, I hurt, used, lied to. Told them whatever they wanted to hear to get what I wanted, even if I did not mean it. Sure, we will see each other again. Come over and I will give you this sexual act. I will give you sex X amount of times per week. As I got older, I started being more honest, more truthful, even if it hurt.
Yeah, you will be a one night stand.
I will never see you again after this.
This is nothing more than a sexual release, if that.
I may call someone else after this to get another fix.
You are filling a need, an temporary, immediate need.
You are filling a void, even though I will feel empty later.
Some men laughed it off. Said I was being mean but then surprised when it happens. Some men said I thought like a man because I did the same things they did.