The Sink Hole

November 28th, 2015.
I wrote this a while back. It made sense then, but I am not so sure now.



The Sink Hole

I had a dream this morning, where I had this vanity in the closet with a glass mirror. All of a sudden the walls and floors started to cave in. I got out the way but I was left with a huge sink hole on one side of the closet. I can see down to the bottom.

I could see my vanity dresser with my things below, but I didn't have the manpower or tools to lift my dresser back up, so the floor and walls could be repaired.

I thought about my life, after having this dream. How something so simple can cave in and we don't know how to fix the problem. As I have previously stated, I started off dating with the wrong intentions. I thought having sex would attract more men. I never got this dating thing down. I was shy, reserved, fatter, and no one ever approached me in high school. I didn't date by choice but no one even asked if they could. I always been the lonely, shy type. I didn't really like people, but I did want a few people to like me back.

When I started having sex, I didn't feel those immediate and floors caving in. I did feel some guilt and remorse, but some of the guilt faded over time. I didn't like sex at first though. I wasn't sure what to feel and I wasn't comfortable asking. I knew I didn't like it. It wasn't until I was married and started talking to coworkers, that I learned more about sex. My first taste of wanting good sex was after reading Zane's Addicted. I was impressed. I didn't know sex could feel like that. I hated sex with the ex husband. I cried a lot after sex because it was so bad. routine, monotonous. more about his pleasure than mine. Never had an orgasm with him.

Even when I first cheated, I waited maybe a week or two before doing it again. I had guilt but I felt since he was going to still disappear on the weekends and come in when he wanted, so can I. I didn't have to go out at night to raise suspicions. I can have sex before I went to school or after I left school and before work. The walls were starting to cave in. The sex numbers started to climb from the 20's to the many (I am still not comfortable with people knowing my sex count. Something I do feel a lot of guilt about).

Every year the amount of people, I had sex with increased. I also had increases in visits to the std clinic. Increases in outbreaks. I was diagnosed with a few curable stds during this time. I hated going to the clinic but at times, I needed treatment. I hated when they asked to give some of my pills to my partners because the partners were many, which meant more pills for me. I hated using condoms all the time.

My walls officially caved in after my last miscarriage. The pain of being in the hospital alone again. of going through something so major again. My heart hurt more than the first miscarriage. Hurt more than all the abuse, I went through with the marriage. I been celibate 5 years now. My outbreaks have decreased. I haven't had a temporary std in a long long long time. I still haven't dated anyone by choice and no one is approaching me either.

My theory failed. Having sex increases your popularity, but you can still be lonely and depressed. when you are hurting, the sex partners are not there. they are not a shoulder to cry on. Not having sex doesn't increase your popularity, especially on the dating sites. I am still lonely, depressed at times. I would like to date more, but sometimes I feel have to give up my celibacy to make anyone interested. and then regret will kick in. 

Many people want to test drive before making a final purchase, but how many test drives is enough? Will anyone step out on faith and make a purchase before sampling the goods? What if the test drive is not up to his standards and they walk out on you.

Giving up a part of you sexually and mentally because that hurt will hurt greatly. Another caved in wall. Another sink hole with me trying to pull up the pieces of my self to put back together. I don't know how long I will be celibate. I don't know if I will ever get married or stay single forever. I just don't want to look down on another sink hole from engaging in promiscuous , ungodly, behavior.

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