I am having a hard time this with my celibacy journey. If I don't find a way to gain a little more control, I do not see this journey going another year, let alone six years. I need a husband--not just for sex--but to help channel some sexual desires into him--but I am not sure I am ready yet mentally. It was the little things, this week, which may cause me to stumble and fall hard, if I am not careful and ask God for serious help.
I never expected the journey to get rough this week. I think it started with meeting a platonic
Trey is a good looking, dark-chocolate complected, bald headed man. Trey has a job and is a former Marine. I told Trey we can meet up Tuesday, after my son's doctor appointment, but the meet up almost did not happen. Usually Brad's appointments are over quick and we are home within a decent time, to take Brad back to school, before 11 a.m. I arrived at the clinic a little before 8, when they was first opening up. My appointment was at 9, but Brad has a reputation (his last visit, he slammed a door because the doctor wanted blood work, and a nice hole was left in the wall.). We left the clinic around 9 and the problems started.
Brad has an appointment
I gave Brad my phone to keep him calm during the appointment---big mistake. My phone was dead when we left. I pulled out one of my power banks and tried to get a charge, while going to get some food to also keep him calm. With what little charge I had, I called transportation and no one answered. I went to Wal-Greens for food. 30 minutes later, tried transportation again. No answer. Called the main transportation hotline, instead of the driver and my phone went dead. Next option was to pull out the laptop, charge the phone, and hope no one passed by trying to steal the Dell, no matter how slow it goes and how many times it crashes.
I finally got a hold of the driver and he said he was stuck in traffic and it will be over an hour before he shows up. He showed up just before Brad was about to bolt off into the parking lot.
We headed home and then hopped on public transportation to take Brad to school. I got Brad to school and headed to Kalen's school for another interesting part of my day .
Kalen Got Sick
After we left the clinic at 9, I noticed I had a few voice messages. I was able to check one of them before the phone went dead. Kalen had diarrhea at school and they wanted me to pick him up. Once I got a decent charge, I had to call the school to let them know, I was at a doctors appointment and I had no idea when I would be on my side of Northwest Houston. If I picked up Kalen from school, then I had to drop Brad off at school. I had considered leaving Brad at home, depending on what time we got back to Antoine Drive, but Kalen threw a wrench in this plan. After Brad and I got home, I took a quick potty break, grabbed the stroller, and headed to the bus stop.
After Brad got to school, I hopped back on the bus to Kalen's school. If he was still sick, I will take him home. It is about a 10 minute walk from the school to the house. If he was not still sick, I would go to the store and head home. Kalen was still sick. The teacher had to give him back up clothes to wear. I put the baby in the stroller and headed to the store for some detergent, fabric softener, and batteries for my mouse.
Then Trey Called
He called while I was walking to the store. The .99 cent store is across from Kalen's school. While I was walking through the parking lot, I got a call. He wanted to meet up and just talk. Told him, I do not know since I been dealing with doctors and now a sick kid all day, but I do crave some non-kid communication. I told him he can visit and I will be home in about 10 minutes hopefully. I had issues with the stroller wheels. My bag dropped and broke, while going over a section of cracked sidewalk.
I got close to the complex, was about to turn in, and then saw Brad's aide getting off the bus 1:30 too early. I had asked him to please come near the time Brad gets off the bus, but Jean claims he lives too far away (which is not good if something bad happens and I need an aide for the day) and he needs to arrive early otherwise, he will not be there when Brad's bus arrives. I believe in early arrivals, but I need my quiet time each day as an introvert and as a parent.
Damn, Damn, Damn. I got a child in a stroller. I got an aide, who shows up too early. I got a friend, who is on his way. I walk in the gates and start heading to the house, when Trey calls again and says he is at the gate. Do you see a woman, with a stroller, and an light-skinned aide? yep and gave him directions to my apartment by road, while I took the sidewalks. Drivers be crazy in these parts, even in the complex.
I met Trey near the apartments and invited him in--toddler, mama, aide, friend. I haven't been home most of the day. The house is not too clean. I put down my bags--hid my purse--trust no one--and tried to do a little cleaning--at least the bathroom. I also had to start figuring out what to cook for dinner before Brad got home.
The introvert in me wanted a little conversation, but the aide took care of this issue. The aide and the friend had their own conversation about religion and politics for almost two hours, but the introvert in me, also had some time to do more cleaning. I started washing dishes, wiping down counters, sweeping bedroom, and sweeping living room.
When we went to go get Brad off the bus, Trey wanted to know why the aide talks so much lol. Of course, he tried to grab my butt and boobs before he left--now we have a problem. I knew I had discussed having herpes. I had told him I am celibate, but he still wanted a feel. The Marine told me he was looking for a relationship--even if it was not with me. Even if I was sexually active, I normally did not slept with men, who was adamant about relationships, marriage, and kids. Now, I want a marriage. Someone to help me with my kids. A godly relationship. I thought Trey was looking for something similar, but I may be wrong.
I have met a few men in six years and most of them, except one, has tried to challenge this journey. A few tried to grab a body part. One tried to tell me about people don't get into relationships without test driving the goods first. The men's behavior has caused me to doubt at times this journey and if I need to have sex to get a boyfriend or a husband. Same messed up thinking, which lead me to lose my virginity before I was ready. I thought I needed to have sex to get a date, to get someone more interested in me.
Do I need to compromise these new principles to be wanted, to be needed, to get an I do? I know the answer is no, but at times, a yes seems to be the answer. It gets lonely and depressing at times.