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About Me

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Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt.  I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ). 

 I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos. 

I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.

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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Sink Hole

November 28th, 2015.
I wrote this a while back. It made sense then, but I am not so sure now.

The Sink Hole

I had a dream this morning, where I had this vanity in the closet with a glass mirror. All of a sudden the walls and floors started to cave in. I got out the way but I was left with a huge sink hole on one side of the closet. I can see down to the bottom.

I could see my vanity dresser with my things below, but I didn't have the manpower or tools to lift my dresser back up, so the floor and walls could be repaired.

I thought about my life, after having this dream. How something so simple can cave in and we don't know how to fix the problem. As I have previously stated, I started off dating with the wrong intentions. I thought having sex would attract more men. I never got this dating thing down. I was shy, reserved, fatter, and no one ever approached me in high school. I didn't date by choice but no one even asked if they could. I always been the lonely, shy type. I didn't really like people, but I did want a few people to like me back.

When I started having sex, I didn't feel those immediate and floors caving in. I did feel some guilt and remorse, but some of the guilt faded over time. I didn't like sex at first though. I wasn't sure what to feel and I wasn't comfortable asking. I knew I didn't like it. It wasn't until I was married and started talking to coworkers, that I learned more about sex. My first taste of wanting good sex was after reading Zane's Addicted. I was impressed. I didn't know sex could feel like that. I hated sex with the ex husband. I cried a lot after sex because it was so bad. routine, monotonous. more about his pleasure than mine. Never had an orgasm with him.

Even when I first cheated, I waited maybe a week or two before doing it again. I had guilt but I felt since he was going to still disappear on the weekends and come in when he wanted, so can I. I didn't have to go out at night to raise suspicions. I can have sex before I went to school or after I left school and before work. The walls were starting to cave in. The sex numbers started to climb from the 20's to the many (I am still not comfortable with people knowing my sex count. Something I do feel a lot of guilt about).

Every year the amount of people, I had sex with increased. I also had increases in visits to the std clinic. Increases in outbreaks. I was diagnosed with a few curable stds during this time. I hated going to the clinic but at times, I needed treatment. I hated when they asked to give some of my pills to my partners because the partners were many, which meant more pills for me. I hated using condoms all the time.

My walls officially caved in after my last miscarriage. The pain of being in the hospital alone again. of going through something so major again. My heart hurt more than the first miscarriage. Hurt more than all the abuse, I went through with the marriage. I been celibate 5 years now. My outbreaks have decreased. I haven't had a temporary std in a long long long time. I still haven't dated anyone by choice and no one is approaching me either.

My theory failed. Having sex increases your popularity, but you can still be lonely and depressed. when you are hurting, the sex partners are not there. they are not a shoulder to cry on. Not having sex doesn't increase your popularity, especially on the dating sites. I am still lonely, depressed at times. I would like to date more, but sometimes I feel have to give up my celibacy to make anyone interested. and then regret will kick in. 

Many people want to test drive before making a final purchase, but how many test drives is enough? Will anyone step out on faith and make a purchase before sampling the goods? What if the test drive is not up to his standards and they walk out on you.

Giving up a part of you sexually and mentally because that hurt will hurt greatly. Another caved in wall. Another sink hole with me trying to pull up the pieces of my self to put back together. I don't know how long I will be celibate. I don't know if I will ever get married or stay single forever. I just don't want to look down on another sink hole from engaging in promiscuous , ungodly, behavior.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Everything is Temporary

December 19.2015

I was soaking in the tub the other day, just thinking and reflecting, when I saw something I didn't like on the wall. The wall was peeling and a big water blister was staring right at me. I spent months (and still working on it) changing the look of the bathroom. A new paint job on the walls, a new shower head (every few months because someone keeps breaking them), a new shower arm, a child/adult toilet seat, new shower curtains, a toilet paper holder, and a soap holder. A bathroom is supposed to a be a place to relax and to get away from the kids stalking you everywhere you go. 

I got out the tub to inspect the wall and had to peel some of the paint back to let the water flow out. Then, I saw sheetrock. I had another leak somewhere in the walls. I already had a leak at the bottom of the baseboard near the tub. I have tried using foam in the hole. I tried a waterproof sealant. I tried to nail another board on top of the base board and then plaster everything. I don't like the leak because my room is on the other side and water flows through the walls, into my room, and on m carpet. Water also means mold and mildew. 

Of course, I get back in the tub, close the curtain (so I don't have to look at the wall), finish the back and head back into my room. 

The next day, I move the portable closet back so I can clean behind it and put up Brad's diapers and mattress pads and I discovered my wall was peeling. The side, which touches the back of the shower walls. I had another water blister and I was not happy about that. I painted my walls brown a while ago. While I was inspecting the walls for damage, I noticed the corner was too weak and wearing away. If the part of the wall breaks, I don't know what damage it can cause since it is touching the bedroom. I also noticed part of my floor was sinking in. 

All the work I put in and some of it is coming apart. Everything is temporary. This life is temporary. Your child hood is temporary. Your adult life is temporary. One day, you are starting elementary school and the next, you are watching your own children start middle school. Even my period of high sexual activity was temporary. I have been celibate for over 5 years now. Everything fades away. Everything passes. The only thing, which is eternal is the kingdom of Heaven. 

The walls leak, The floors sink. The paint blisters. The carpet has to be replaced, but God is forever and everything else is temporary. 

Stacie D. Wyatt