How did I go from being non-sexual to sexual to a sexual being in a celibate body? As I approach the 5 year mark, later on this year, I am having all these random thoughts.
Will the 5 year mark be a starting point for a new relationship, maybe marriage? Will the five-year mark be a breaking point and I fall into lust, having to start over. Or will my celibacy continue past Nov. 9, 2015 (last time, I had sex was Nov. 9, 2010) and I will still be sexless.
Distorted View of Sex
Pastor Michael Pender of Fallbrook Church in Houston, Texas, began discussing how to have a meaningful life in March. There are things, God does not want you to engage in because they are sinful, such as sex outside of marriage. People, who challenge God's limits struggle to have a meaningful life. Pender said society promotes harmless and blameless sex without complications and implications. God's purpose for sex gets distorted.
I distorted God's view of sex when I first started reading erotica. It was addicted by Zane. I was married at the time and abhorred sex. The book showed me things, I was not experiencing or never had experienced. I was addicted. I continued to read erotica in books and online. There was one site (don't know the name), I was always logged into for a little excitement. There was also this one book (don't know the name), I loved. Even though I didn't cheat on the ex until years later, the seed had been planted.
I wanted more.
I wanted what I was not getting.
When I moved from non sexual to a sexual being, once again, I wanted more and more. I cheated on the ex multiple times in a short period. At first, I felt guilty, but the ex continued to come home late or not at all and continue his infidelity. So, I added more men to the queue.
I am celibate now and I think back and reminisce over how stupid and naive I was. Being promiscuous definitely changed how I view men, relationships, and sex.
It is definitely a struggle as time goes by when from when I was having sex. I was lonely, but I was company a few times a week. People will meet you up for sex. I had more messages on dating sites, more phone calls. I lived on the bus line without kids, living with me. I was more free and now I feel somewhat trapped. 2 kids, no social life, no one lining up to date or meet me, even just to be an acquaintance, a friend. You mention celibacy, you get less responses and more people try to convince you out of it. I used to think discussing herpes was hard. Discussing celibacy is harder. Too many whys and why not sleep with mes? The 5 year mark is approaching---from non-sexual to sexual to sexual in a celibate being.
Stacie D. Wyatt
March 13, 2015