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About Me

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Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt.  I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ). 

 I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos. 

I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.

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Monday, January 30, 2017

Aborted----not going to happen

May 2013

Most people know, I started to lose my sex drive, after my last miscarriage, in 2009, but I did not stop having sex until 2010. I went from having sex a lot to a little to none at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to avoid having another miscarriage.

I had one previously in 2005. It was not fun. My body was in pain. My fibroids was acting up, in addition to back to back outbreaks. I also was not sure who the father was. I went to the doctor to get treatment for the pain. She told me I was pregnant (about two months along). I checked my calendar for potential fathers and lost it. (side note: ever since I started having sex, I wrote each time down in my calendar, even while married. I tracked cycles, outbreaks, and sex. ). The calendar fell on a date, (the only date, within the two week time frame), when I had multiple partners, some on the same day.

If I got pregnant a few weeks before or a few weeks after, it would have been better, but the father could have been anyone. . Anyway, my body continued to be in pain. During August, 2005, I was in more pain. I went to the bathroom, thinking I had gas or something, and the mucus plug fell out in the toilet. I lost the baby. I went to the hospital alone. I lost the baby alone. I never wanted to go through that again.

It happened again. Fast forward to 2009. I met this fine, chocolate, man, in Atlanta, in 2006. He was the embodiment of sexiness. He provided me with great sex once in 2006. We did not have much in common and that was it. He said we was not relationship material (did not know we was seeking one) and we probably will never have sex again. The sexual relationship was over--so I thought.

Yet, I was addicted, I wanted more. He was my second great sex partner I ever had. I thought about him all the time. Even named a sex toy after him. We started back having sex in 2008. A man, hit me up, wanting to have sex around New Years Eve. I had to work part of that night. I told him yes, even though I had reservations. We had sex before and it sucked. I was going to cancel on him before he left his house, but he called and told me some interesting news.

Now, I was a former sex addict, and I know a few tricks/techniques men have used on me. I can spot a few things, a mile in advance. This dude called and said we was going to a friend house (alarms went up. sounds like a three some or a train). Then, he gave the friend's name (hormones went up). A chance to sex a great one. A chance to prove he would fuck me again. I went. I had sex with both men. I deleted the other dude's number, but maintained a sexual relationship with the great one for a few months (April, 2009).

I got a headache one day. Went to the clinic. I needed pain pills. The doctor said I can't have pain pills because I was pregnant. Ok, when was conception? Checked the calendar and my addiction fell within that two week time frame. I did not want anything from him--no more than what he was doing.

Now after the first miscarriage, I wanted to avoid some stress to keep from having another miscarriage. I did not want an outbreak or the fibroids to act up. I did not want to sit with legs propped up, losing a baby, in a hospital alone. First thing, I wanted to do was notify any potential father (s) about the pregnancy (to get that out the way). Then, I needed medicaid for myself. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday, May 18, 2009. I told the potential father on Tuesday. He said we was not in a relationship. We didn't love each other. It was not his. I should get an abortion (I don't believe in those).

If the baby was not his, then why did he want me to abort someone else's baby?

It hurt me to my core, once he said abortion. I wanted nothing from him (except the penis. Took me awhile to get over him. Great penis is hard to find).Went back to the Clinic on Wednesday to pick up the emergency medicaid forms. I noticed I was spotting. They rushed me to the hospital. I was there for hours and hours. The potential daddy was still texting me. I got home and  I prayed to the Lord, that if I could not handle another miscarriage alone, please take the baby from me.  When I woke up Thursday morning, I was bleeding heavily. I lost the baby that day.   alone again. legs propped up, losing baby, without any support. I lost a lot of respect for men that day. I had 600 names in my phone (family, friends, business contacts, potential sex partners, current sex partners, past sex partners). I started deleting numbers that day. I felt that most of these folks, would not sit in a hospital with me, during a miscarriage. I got down to 200 names before I left the hospital. Deleted potentials, past, and some currents.

A few days later, I went into post partum depression. I was upset I prayed for a "mental abortion". I was more worried/upset about losing great penis, than the baby (the mind of a sex addict). I could have raised the baby alone. No one really knew what I was going through.

When I was pregnant with Kalen, His father said the same thing. It was not his and I needed an abortion. If the baby was not his, then why did he want me to abort someone else's baby?I checked and verified with the doctor on conception dates. I wanted to be sure.

I found out I was pregnant in January, 2011. I checked the calendar. Since, I stopped having a lot of sex, the calendar was easier to look at. The doctor said I got pregnant in August. I had sex with one man at the beginning of August. I had sex with one man at the end of August. The doctor said I got pregnant towards the end. I did not have sex with anyone else until the middle or so until September. It was strange to me--that out of all the men, I had sex with---I still got pregnant by this one particular one. But, this time, it was easier. I wanted a healthy, stress-free pregnancy, even if I had to go through it alone (and I did it). Kalen is a happy baby.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

It's the Little Things

It's the Little Things by Stacie Wyatt: started writing this at 8 something this am. 

I am having a hard time this with my celibacy journey. If I don't find a way to gain a little more control, I do not see this journey going another year, let alone six years. I need a husband--not just for sex--but to help channel some sexual desires into him--but I am not sure I am ready yet mentally. It was the little things, this week, which may cause me to stumble and fall hard, if I am not careful and ask God for serious help. 

I never expected the journey to get rough this week. I think it started with meeting a platonic friend, ahem acquaintance, wannabe boyfriend, and wannabe sex partner. I figured out the wannabe sex partner part after we met up. For the blog, let's call him Trey, a shortened version of his name. Tried doing a mini search on him online by phone number, but no luck. 

Brad has an appointment

Trey is a good looking, dark-chocolate complected, bald headed man. Trey has a job and is a former Marine. I told Trey we can meet up Tuesday, after my son's doctor appointment, but the meet up almost did not happen. Usually Brad's appointments are over quick and we are home within a decent time, to take Brad back to school, before 11 a.m. I arrived at the clinic a little before 8, when they was first opening up. My appointment was at 9, but Brad has a reputation (his last visit, he slammed a door because the doctor wanted blood work, and a nice hole was left in the wall.). We left the clinic around 9 and the problems started. 

I gave Brad my phone to keep him calm during the appointment---big mistake. My phone was dead when we left. I pulled out one of my power banks and tried to get a charge, while going to get some food to also keep him calm. With what little charge I had, I called transportation and no one answered. I went to Wal-Greens for food. 30 minutes later, tried transportation again. No answer. Called the main transportation hotline, instead of the driver and my phone went dead. Next option was to pull out the laptop, charge the phone, and hope no one passed by trying to steal the Dell, no matter how slow it goes and how many times it crashes. 

I finally got a hold of the driver and he said he was stuck in traffic and it will be over an hour before he shows up. He showed up just before Brad was about to bolt off into the parking lot.

We headed home and then hopped on public transportation to take Brad to school. I got Brad to school and headed to Kalen's school for another interesting part of my day .

Kalen Got Sick

After we left the clinic at 9, I noticed I had a few voice messages. I was able to check one of them before the phone went dead. Kalen had diarrhea at school and they wanted me to pick him up. Once I got a decent charge, I had to call the school to let them know, I was at a doctors appointment and I had no idea when I would be on my side of Northwest Houston. If I picked up Kalen from school, then I had to drop Brad off at school. I had considered leaving Brad at home, depending on what time we got back to Antoine Drive, but Kalen threw a wrench in this plan. After Brad and I got home, I took a quick potty break, grabbed the stroller, and headed to the bus stop. 

After Brad got to school, I hopped back on the bus to Kalen's school. If he was still sick, I will take him home. It is about a 10 minute walk from the school to the house. If he was not still sick, I would go to the store and head home. Kalen was still sick. The teacher had to give him back up clothes to wear. I put the baby in the stroller and headed to the store for some detergent, fabric softener, and batteries for my mouse. 

Then Trey Called

He called while I was walking to the store. The .99 cent store is across from Kalen's school. While I was walking through the parking lot, I got a call. He wanted to meet up and just talk. Told him, I do not know since I been dealing with doctors and now a sick kid all day, but I do crave some non-kid communication. I told him he can visit and I will be home in about 10 minutes hopefully. I had issues with the stroller wheels. My bag dropped and broke, while going over a section of cracked sidewalk. 

I got close to the complex, was about to turn in, and then saw Brad's aide getting off the bus 1:30 too early. I had asked him to please come near the time Brad gets off the bus, but Jean claims he lives too far away (which is not good if something bad happens and I need an aide for the day) and he needs to arrive early otherwise, he will not be there when Brad's bus arrives. I believe in early arrivals, but I need my quiet time each day as an introvert and as a parent.

Damn, Damn, Damn. I got a child in a stroller. I got an aide, who shows up too early. I got a friend, who is on his way. I walk in the gates and start heading to the house, when Trey calls again and says he is at the gate. Do you see a woman, with a stroller, and an light-skinned aide? yep and gave him directions to my apartment by road, while I took the sidewalks. Drivers be crazy in these parts, even in the complex. 

I met Trey near the apartments and invited him in--toddler, mama, aide, friend. I haven't been home most of the day. The house is not too clean. I put down my bags--hid my purse--trust no one--and tried to do a little cleaning--at least the bathroom. I also had to start figuring out what to cook for dinner before Brad got home. 

The introvert in me wanted a little conversation, but the aide took care of this issue. The aide and the friend had their own conversation about religion and politics for almost two hours, but the introvert in me, also had some time to do more cleaning. I started washing dishes, wiping down counters, sweeping bedroom, and sweeping living room. 

When we went to go get Brad off the bus, Trey wanted to know why the aide talks so much lol. Of course, he tried to grab my butt and boobs before he left--now we have a problem. I knew I had discussed having herpes. I had told him I am celibate, but he still wanted a feel. The Marine told me he was looking for a relationship--even if it was not with me. Even if I was sexually active, I normally did not slept with men, who was adamant about relationships, marriage, and kids. Now, I want a marriage. Someone to help me with my kids. A godly relationship. I thought Trey was looking for something similar, but I may be wrong. 

I have met a few men in six years and most of them, except one, has tried to challenge this journey. A few tried to grab a body part. One tried to tell me about people don't get into relationships without test driving the goods first. The men's behavior has caused me to doubt at times this journey and if I need to have sex to get a boyfriend or a husband. Same messed up thinking, which lead me to lose my virginity before I was ready. I thought I needed to have sex to get a date, to get someone more interested in me. 

Do I need to compromise these new principles to be wanted, to be needed, to get an I do? I know the answer is no, but at times, a yes seems to be the answer. It gets lonely and depressing at times. 

The Next Day or the day after

Tall, dark, and handsome called. I said I was having a rough day. Brad had half days for Wednesday and Thursday. The kids also missed school Thursday because I overslept because Brad would not go to sleep. I told him I was having issues with the kids and he texted he was struggling sexually and wanted to be service---by me. We got a bigger problem. He also asked for xxx pics Friday. I actually tried to find my old photos, hidden in my email--not for him--he never got any--but the pics caused a few more regrets. In some of the pics, I didn't remember names. At that time, I didn't care if I knew your name, age, kids, other things, and now I wanted to get to know someone and know those little things about someone. 

Return of the Ex

An ex sex partner tried to video chat with me twice last night. I missed both calls because I was uploading videos for my other blog on Instagram. I sent him a text to see what he wanted and he wanted to video chat. No harm right---I haven't seen him since 2009 or 2010. He is another good looking, chocolate man with a mohawk. JB is an amazing singer and has a great career ahead of him. Of course, he wanted to discuss all the good decent sex, we used to have, none of which I remember. 

I remember we could have had sex, when we first met, but I had to disclose herpes before we went too far. He was not too comfortable with the HSV, I thinks. I still saw him around Atlanta, singing in various places. I don't remember when we met up next, but we did eventually have sex. JB had me mixed up with someone else because he started telling me about things, I know he never did with me. I hardly remember but I know some basic Stacie needs, was not met to consider him good or great. 

We talked for hours about various topics including sex--we have a big problem. I realized I am not ready to have sex anytime soon. JB wants to visit Texas soon and visit me for a few days. From Trey's behavior to JBs to my behavior, I know I would not be faithful to a non-committed relationship. If I slept with Trey, nothing will stop me from sleeping with JB unless a godly force intervenes, but then what happens? JB goes back to Georgia and do I continue to have sex with Trey, until I have sex with someone else and someone else, and the old Stacie is back. 

Why the struggle?

I am not completely sure why i'm struggling this week. Maybe it’s meeting someone for the first time in a long time and my thoughts went haywire. Tall, chocolate, bald, military man. I was very impressed when he told the aide he was a former Marine and has traveled intensively around the world. I was impressed when he got Kalen to stop doing something. I was impressed when he suffered with talking to the aide, so I could clean in peace. I was happy for some company, I guess

With the ex, maybe it was familiarity. I know him. We had sex before. The convo was going well. He flattered with compliments.

I also just realized both of them said similar things. Both of them wanted relationships. Both of them wanted to help with the kids. They said the right things at the wrong times. Where was the relationship talk when I first met the ex sex buddy in downtown Atlanta? Is sex a requirement, once again, to meet someone? To get to know someone? To marry someone?

I need prayer this week. I need godly, Christian prayer, because my flesh is weak. My willpower is faltering. I am struggling mentally.