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About Me

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Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt.  I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ). 

 I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos. 

I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.

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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Sink Hole

November 28th, 2015.
I wrote this a while back. It made sense then, but I am not so sure now.

The Sink Hole

I had a dream this morning, where I had this vanity in the closet with a glass mirror. All of a sudden the walls and floors started to cave in. I got out the way but I was left with a huge sink hole on one side of the closet. I can see down to the bottom.

I could see my vanity dresser with my things below, but I didn't have the manpower or tools to lift my dresser back up, so the floor and walls could be repaired.

I thought about my life, after having this dream. How something so simple can cave in and we don't know how to fix the problem. As I have previously stated, I started off dating with the wrong intentions. I thought having sex would attract more men. I never got this dating thing down. I was shy, reserved, fatter, and no one ever approached me in high school. I didn't date by choice but no one even asked if they could. I always been the lonely, shy type. I didn't really like people, but I did want a few people to like me back.

When I started having sex, I didn't feel those immediate and floors caving in. I did feel some guilt and remorse, but some of the guilt faded over time. I didn't like sex at first though. I wasn't sure what to feel and I wasn't comfortable asking. I knew I didn't like it. It wasn't until I was married and started talking to coworkers, that I learned more about sex. My first taste of wanting good sex was after reading Zane's Addicted. I was impressed. I didn't know sex could feel like that. I hated sex with the ex husband. I cried a lot after sex because it was so bad. routine, monotonous. more about his pleasure than mine. Never had an orgasm with him.

Even when I first cheated, I waited maybe a week or two before doing it again. I had guilt but I felt since he was going to still disappear on the weekends and come in when he wanted, so can I. I didn't have to go out at night to raise suspicions. I can have sex before I went to school or after I left school and before work. The walls were starting to cave in. The sex numbers started to climb from the 20's to the many (I am still not comfortable with people knowing my sex count. Something I do feel a lot of guilt about).

Every year the amount of people, I had sex with increased. I also had increases in visits to the std clinic. Increases in outbreaks. I was diagnosed with a few curable stds during this time. I hated going to the clinic but at times, I needed treatment. I hated when they asked to give some of my pills to my partners because the partners were many, which meant more pills for me. I hated using condoms all the time.

My walls officially caved in after my last miscarriage. The pain of being in the hospital alone again. of going through something so major again. My heart hurt more than the first miscarriage. Hurt more than all the abuse, I went through with the marriage. I been celibate 5 years now. My outbreaks have decreased. I haven't had a temporary std in a long long long time. I still haven't dated anyone by choice and no one is approaching me either.

My theory failed. Having sex increases your popularity, but you can still be lonely and depressed. when you are hurting, the sex partners are not there. they are not a shoulder to cry on. Not having sex doesn't increase your popularity, especially on the dating sites. I am still lonely, depressed at times. I would like to date more, but sometimes I feel have to give up my celibacy to make anyone interested. and then regret will kick in. 

Many people want to test drive before making a final purchase, but how many test drives is enough? Will anyone step out on faith and make a purchase before sampling the goods? What if the test drive is not up to his standards and they walk out on you.

Giving up a part of you sexually and mentally because that hurt will hurt greatly. Another caved in wall. Another sink hole with me trying to pull up the pieces of my self to put back together. I don't know how long I will be celibate. I don't know if I will ever get married or stay single forever. I just don't want to look down on another sink hole from engaging in promiscuous , ungodly, behavior.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Everything is Temporary

December 19.2015

I was soaking in the tub the other day, just thinking and reflecting, when I saw something I didn't like on the wall. The wall was peeling and a big water blister was staring right at me. I spent months (and still working on it) changing the look of the bathroom. A new paint job on the walls, a new shower head (every few months because someone keeps breaking them), a new shower arm, a child/adult toilet seat, new shower curtains, a toilet paper holder, and a soap holder. A bathroom is supposed to a be a place to relax and to get away from the kids stalking you everywhere you go. 

I got out the tub to inspect the wall and had to peel some of the paint back to let the water flow out. Then, I saw sheetrock. I had another leak somewhere in the walls. I already had a leak at the bottom of the baseboard near the tub. I have tried using foam in the hole. I tried a waterproof sealant. I tried to nail another board on top of the base board and then plaster everything. I don't like the leak because my room is on the other side and water flows through the walls, into my room, and on m carpet. Water also means mold and mildew. 

Of course, I get back in the tub, close the curtain (so I don't have to look at the wall), finish the back and head back into my room. 

The next day, I move the portable closet back so I can clean behind it and put up Brad's diapers and mattress pads and I discovered my wall was peeling. The side, which touches the back of the shower walls. I had another water blister and I was not happy about that. I painted my walls brown a while ago. While I was inspecting the walls for damage, I noticed the corner was too weak and wearing away. If the part of the wall breaks, I don't know what damage it can cause since it is touching the bedroom. I also noticed part of my floor was sinking in. 

All the work I put in and some of it is coming apart. Everything is temporary. This life is temporary. Your child hood is temporary. Your adult life is temporary. One day, you are starting elementary school and the next, you are watching your own children start middle school. Even my period of high sexual activity was temporary. I have been celibate for over 5 years now. Everything fades away. Everything passes. The only thing, which is eternal is the kingdom of Heaven. 

The walls leak, The floors sink. The paint blisters. The carpet has to be replaced, but God is forever and everything else is temporary. 

Stacie D. Wyatt

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Undateable Part 2

Undateable Part 1:

I realized in church on Sunday, I set out dating with the wrong intentions. As I said in Part 1: I thought if I was having sex, I would be datable. That was wrong. I was fuckable, not dateable. Not too many men want to date, who they are fucking.

Setting out to date because I wanted to have sex was the wrong intention. From the beginning, my mind set was completely wrong. My intentions were not aligned with God. Sex does not equal love. Love does not equal sex. Dating does not mean you are sexing. Having sex does not mean you are dating.

I had a few men, tell me, that they thought we was dating, when we just had sex a few times. I didn't know anymore about them, other than their sexual preferences, but allegedly we was dating.

I always had trouble dating. I like men, but my personality doesn't allow me to consider dating as an option from the jump. For me, now I have to get to know you, then maybe we can meet. Dating is only an option after I get to know you. Versus in the past, we meet, we sex, we delete each other.

Setting out dating with the wrong intentions is probably why my mind is so messed up. I definitely look at things in a different light because of past sexual experiences. Like, I used to get off on taking a man's celibacy. I didn't care if you was celibate or not. If I wanted to have sex with you, I would at least try. Now, I am questioning anyone, who wants to meet me. Maybe they want sex. Maybe they want my celibacy and do me, like I used to do men, in general. I'm looking for those hidden context clues, trying to reveal their true intentions.

For example, the other day, some dude hit me up on Ok Cupid. He gave me his number, but I could not talk on the phone at that time. Kids were acting up and screaming in the background. Then again, I wasn't feeling talking on the phone anyway.

His profile said he wanted a relationship. He not looking for one-night stands. Ok Cupid had also notified me he had read my profile. I guess he didn't read my disclaimers. He wants kids. He was willing to wait for sex up to a point, but not until marriage. He wanted to discuss sex and I did not. If I didn't question his questions, who knows I would have met him, dated him, and either had sex with him prior to marriage or broke up with him. I hate to give up celibacy to any relationship and it does not work out. 4 years is hard to get back. I don't want to start over with every relationship.

Stacie D. Wyatt
@2015 Stacie D. Wyatt/Celibacy Diaries

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Five Year Mark: March 13, 2015

How did I go from being non-sexual to sexual to a sexual being in a celibate body? As I approach the 5 year mark, later on this year, I am having all these random thoughts.

Will the 5 year mark be a starting point for a new relationship, maybe marriage? Will the five-year mark be a breaking point and I fall into lust, having to start over. Or will my celibacy continue past Nov. 9, 2015 (last time, I had sex was Nov. 9, 2010) and I will still be sexless.

Distorted View of Sex

Pastor Michael Pender of Fallbrook Church in Houston, Texas, began discussing how to have a meaningful life in March. There are things, God does not want you to engage in because they are sinful, such as sex outside of marriage. People, who challenge God's limits struggle to have a meaningful life. Pender said society promotes harmless and blameless sex without complications and implications. God's purpose for sex gets distorted.

I distorted God's view of sex when I first started reading erotica. It was addicted by Zane. I was married at the time and abhorred sex. The book showed me things, I was not experiencing or never had experienced. I was addicted. I continued to read erotica in books and online. There was one site (don't know the name), I was always logged into for a little excitement. There was also this one book (don't know the name), I loved. Even though I didn't cheat on the ex until years later, the seed had been planted.

I wanted more.

I wanted what I was not getting.

When I moved from non sexual to a sexual being, once again, I wanted more and more. I cheated on the ex multiple times in a short period. At first, I felt guilty, but the ex continued to come home late or not at all and continue his infidelity. So, I added more men to the queue.

I am celibate now and I think back and reminisce over how stupid and naive I was. Being promiscuous definitely changed how I view men, relationships, and sex.

It is definitely a struggle as time goes by when from when I was having sex. I was lonely, but I was company a few times a week. People will meet you up for sex. I had more messages on dating sites, more phone calls. I lived on the bus line without kids, living with me. I was more free and now I feel somewhat trapped. 2 kids, no social life, no one lining up to date or meet me, even just to be an acquaintance, a friend. You mention celibacy, you get less responses and more people try to convince you out of it. I used to think discussing herpes was hard. Discussing celibacy is harder. Too many whys and why not sleep with mes? The 5 year mark is approaching---from non-sexual to sexual to sexual in a celibate being.

Stacie D. Wyatt
March 13, 2015

Sunday, April 19, 2015


February 20, 2014

I always been the undatable one. I was the one, with head in books, and fingers on a computer. I wasn't popular or the most beautiful. I was an average introvert. I didn't do sleepovers, parties, high school dances, or sports. Home and school, school and home, except AFJROTC, VICA,  and FIRST Robotics events.

I thought when I was out on my own, I would be dateable, if I was having sex. That's what attracted me to meeting people online. I will be dateable, if I was a sex object (faulty logic). 17 years later, I realized I was wrong being sexual, being promiscuous. Having sex doesn't make you any more or less dateable. I am 34 (at the time of writing this in my journal. I am now 35) and still lonely and alone (even while formerly married).

I am still not popular or the most beautiful or the most skinniest. I am still undateable and back to not having sex. No longer a virgin, just celibate.

I met three folks in almost 4 years. The first was a quick convo, while walking around the neighborhood, because I didn't want him to know where  I lived. I also had the kids with me. Why walk, if I am not going to tire the kids out? The second tried to talk me out of my celibacy. How can I please a man, if I am not having sex.  I also thought he was going to touch the boobs, so I kept those protected. The third dude, was a sweet dude, just never heard from again.

I understand the risks:

  • 2 special needs children with various needs
  • Celibate for almost 5 years
  • Herpes for over 10 years. 
 I just want to be dateable and loved and married one day again. Have sex,while married, being monogamous again, but to do that, I need to date. 

I feel undateable. 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Glad I didn't sleep with you: East Point, GA

I thought about this last night. I may or may have mentioned this on the blog before, but this is a great story of being glad, I did not sleep with him.

I met this dude off Fling. This had to be in 2006/2007 We talked maybe once or twice, before trying to meet up for some fun. For some reason, on the way to East Point, my phone was starting to die and I had to turn it off. His apartment was next to a gas station.  I called him from a payphone, after writing his number down, to ask where his apartment was. He was acting funny on the phone. I caught the train and bus to get to his house and he didn't want to give me his location. He finally gave me some directions, even though it would have been easier to drive to meet me at the gas station.

After walking around the complex, I found his apartment. I almost passed it up but he saw me and wondered why I didn't see him. Let's see I don't have glasses on. I barely know what you look like. I probably won't call you again after this....

Anyway, I go into his apartment, and viola, people. Family, children, men, women. I knew then, no sex was going to happen. Even though I was having sex, I still had a bit of morality to me. No way in hell, I am having sex with this dude, with all these people in the house.

After going in the house, he sat down at one of the computers, near the front door, and started video chatting with another woman---a half-naked woman, I think on Fling. So you:

  • Invite me over and reluctant to give me your apartment number
  • Invite me over with a house full of folks
  • Invite me over and talk to another woman on video chat, instead of the woman, you invited over. 
I asked if I could get on one of the other computers and checked my email, since I did not have a computer at home. After a few minutes, maybe more, he asked, why didn't I jump on him and start having sex with him, in front of all his relatives and kids. I got up and left. Back through the apartments, back through the gas station, back on the bus.

This dude was bold, very bold. You will find out why in a minute. 

A few weeks later, a mystery man hits me up on yahoo im. He thinks I am cute. He wants to talk to me. He says he knows me. How do I know him? He goes into this whole elaborate story about how I know his sister. (I don't have too many female friends, I hang with). I was confused. He kept talking about how I came over to his house in East Point, where he noticed me sitting on a computer, checking my email. OH SNAP. 

His sister was this other dude's GIRLFRIEND, who was at the house, when I showed up. So now, you invite someone over, with your girlfriend, her brother, your kids, and a house full of other folks. Yeah, Glad I didn't sleep with him. I was torn between lying about dude #2 sister being my hang out buddy or just telling the truth and saying I came over there to meet your girlfriend man. I opted for the truth. 

I avoided a lot of drama. 

Stacie D. Wyatt/Celibacy Diaries
April 18th, 2015

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Setting Limits

My latest issue of Psychology Today (December, 2013) discussed  "The Power of No! How setting limits sets you free". Setting boundaries has been the latest discussion of the Celibacy is Sexy Chats. I thought the article would apply to Celibacy Diaries. We have to learn to say NO to the BS, the drama, the people asking for sex. :-). No, No, say it with me, NO.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Lies, Lies, Damn Lies

Lies, Lies, Damn Lies
January 1st, 2015

I started off my sexual experiences with a major lie, which I regretted since 1998. It was my first sexual experience and I was confused afterwards. Wasn’t sure what to feel, how to feel, or if I did the right thing by not waiting until marriage. I asked someone to help me figure out my feelings and he told me to tell my first, I was raped. I felt guilty, even now. Fast forward years past a decade and through a miracle, I was able to apologize to my first last year. All it took was a simple real name, instead of an alias, on a Paypal transaction. I am not sure what God was doing or what lesson he was trying to teach but I got to say I'm sorry.

Then, I met the ex-husband, in 1999. Even thought I am an introvert, I still desire company. I lied to him. Come visit me and you can get this or that sexual act, even though I did not mean it. I also believed his lies of how he was single and had no kids. I found out he lied about the kids shortly before we got married. I found out he lied about being single after I moved to second shift at my job.

I lied about my STD status for part of 2005. I couldn’t admit I had an STD. I was still faithful to the ex when I was diagnosed. I knew he was cheating, but having and admitting to an STD was out of the question. I didn’t tell my sex partners from Feb 2005 to around August 2005.

I told one dude, he was good in bed, when he wasn’t. He remembered and irritated me about it, until I had to come clean.

Or the dude, who wanted me to help him get a car. I had no job, but a checkbook. I  didn’t have enough money in that account to cover his down payment. God was on my side because the check was never cashed. Dude was able to get his truck without messing me up. I believed his lies of us being together, moving in together, starting a business together.

I hate lying to folks. Kills what few conscience cells, I have left. After a while, I just started being honest, too honest, with people. I didn’t care if it hurt their feelings or not. Tact is not my friend, most times.

You will be a one-time fuck. I will never call you again. Nothing you can say or do can change my mind.

Of course, you have men, who believe you and men, who think their penis is the greatest thing in the world. I will be instantly mesmerized by their touch and call them back. HA. Needless to know, they were being compared to the greatest two of all time, who are both tied for #1. Was it fair? No, but that’s how it was.

I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t lie anymore.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Who's in Control

This post was written a few weeks back.

I overheard one of the most stupidest things ever, which inspired this blog post. Who is in control over your behavior, your thoughts, your actions?

If you do something, whether smart or dumb or perverse, who is responsible for your actions? Who is to blame.

A while back, a relative went to jail for hitting her child. I called the police because the relative was not going to stop. She was drunk and high over something she thought my cousin said. Did the cousin say it? Of course, cousin admitted to it later. The damage though, was not immediately reparable.

The cousin had told the relative's boyfriend about the side piece. They broke up for a day, a freaking day, and then he wanted to bail the relative out of jail. Not sure what the cousin was trying to prove by telling on her drinking and smoking buddy, but the damage was done.

The child moved in with her aunt temporarily until the case is complete. The relative has to check in with her parole/probation officer each week. She has to go to court for something once a month. She also has to pay a major fine, but she does not have the money. No job. No one in the family can help with an amount that big. She may be going back to jail.

Today, I overheard the child's grandmother tell the child, if the child had CONTROLLED her mother's behavior, then grandma would not have to find a way to save up $1800 before court next week. Grandma placed the blame on her granddaughter. Her granddaughter got hit in the head. She had a sprained arm. She had to go to the hospital.

The grandma did not place any blame my cousin for starting the fire. She did not blame her daughter for over-drinking, smoking, and pill popping. She did not blame her daughter for belligerent behavior. She did not blame her daughter for hitting the grand. She blamed the child, which is confusing the hell out of me.

I also got part of the blame for calling the police. I thought the child was hurt since her head was going against the wall repeatedly.

If child was able to Control her mother, who was already under the influence.

How many times have we blamed others for our bad behavior? Maybe we blamed the wrong person for someone else's behavior.

I remember when I was younger, my grandma had misplaced some jewelry. I slept in a bed in her room for stupid reasons. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 14. Prior to diagnosis, I slept in a bedroom with my mother, 2 sisters, and sometimes the father. My grandma felt sleeping in a room with 3 or more people caused Epilepsy so she bought me a bed to put in her room. My uncle also slept in there on the couch because he felt if the police came for him (for one of his many offenses), they wouldn't find him on the couch in his mother's room...

I don't wear too much jewelry. Most of my collection is in a small bag in my purse or in a ziplock in the closet.

Anyway, I got the blame for missing jewelry. I never seen it. Didn't know what it looked like. Eventually, my grandma found where she placed her own jewelry. She moved it when she was cleaning and forgot. I never got an apology but I was pissed for a long time.

She lost it, I got the blame for days, despite protest.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

What's not being said Part 2

I thought of some things, while in church today. Pastor Mike talked about the trap of pornography. Pastor Mike discussed David and Bathsheba. David lusted after Bathesheba, killed off her husband, and got her pregnant. The baby died though. David was a Christian with issues of the flesh.

David lusted after Bathsheba while she was bathing outside. Her husband, Uriah, was a soldier, and may not been able to afford indoor plumbing. She bathed at night when David was supposed to be sleep. David looked too long when he could have went back into the house.

Pastor Mike said it was wrong to engage through images because images can put pressure on the mind. Men have a chemical response to respond to a naked woman The switch is turned on in a world, we shouldn't be in. David had wives and concubines, but it wasn't enough to satisfy him. He wanted Bathsheba and he got her. Ancient History (About.Com) said David had 7 wives and multiple concubines.

I thought about my issues/former issues of the flesh. I used to watch porn on a regular basis. I gave that up shortly after moving to Texas. I used to get cranky when I went two weeks without sex. Don't let that break be followed by an outbreak or a cycle, I get real cranky. Of course, I had to make up for all the lost time by going on marathon to find regular and new sexual partners.

In Sunday School, I wrote a list of more things, which can not be said because of embarrassment, shame, or regret. Some things include my sex count, past sexual behavior, and former sex partners, who I should have left alone for various reasons.

I thought about the married men,who lied about being married. When I was married and cheating ( not condoning cheating), I told folks I was married and still got sex. I thought about a date, I had at Red Lobster. I called back to say Thank you and got fussed at because his wife, he didn't mention, was at home.

I thought about the date, I had at Hooters. Had a nice time, nice convo, nice sex. Woke up in the hotel room alone. Date had left. Found out later after texting him, he had a wife.

All these soul ties, I made, with people, I had no intention of commitment or marriage. A few, I wanted to commit to certain body parts.

On the opposite end, I thought about men, I hurt, used, lied to. Told them whatever they wanted to hear to get what I wanted, even if I did not mean it. Sure, we will see each other again.  Come over and I will give you this sexual act. I will give you sex X amount of times per week. As I got older, I started being more honest, more truthful, even if it hurt.

Yeah, you will be a one night stand.

I will never see you again after this. 

This is nothing more than a sexual release, if that.

I may call someone else after this to get another fix. 

You are filling a need, an temporary, immediate need. 

You are filling a void, even though I will feel empty later. 

Some men laughed it off. Said I was being mean but then surprised when it happens. Some men said I thought like a man because I did the same things they did.