Lies, Lies, Damn Lies

Lies, Lies, Damn Lies

January 1^st, 2015

I started off my sexual experiences with a major lie, which I regretted since 1998. It was my first sexual experience and I was confused afterwards. Wasn’t sure what to feel, how to feel, or if I did the right thing by not waiting until marriage. I asked someone to help me figure out my feelings and he told me to tell my first, I was raped. I felt guilty, even now. Fast forward years past a decade and through a miracle, I was able to apologize to my first last year. All it took was a simple real name, instead of an alias, on a Paypal transaction. I am not sure what God was doing or what lesson he was trying to teach but I got to say I'm sorry.

Then, I met the ex-husband, in 1999. Even thought I am an introvert, I still desire company. I lied to him. Come visit me and you can get this or that sexual act, even though I did not mean it. I also believed his lies of how he was single and had no kids. I found out he lied about the kids shortly before we got married. I found out he lied about being single after I moved to second shift at my job.

I lied about my STD status for part of 2005. I couldn’t admit I had an STD. I was still faithful to the ex when I was diagnosed. I knew he was cheating, but having and admitting to an STD was out of the question. I didn’t tell my sex partners from Feb 2005 to around August 2005.

I told one dude, he was good in bed, when he wasn’t. He remembered and irritated me about it, until I had to come clean.

Or the dude, who wanted me to help him get a car. I had no job, but a checkbook. I  didn’t have enough money in that account to cover his down payment. God was on my side because the check was never cashed. Dude was able to get his truck without messing me up. I believed his lies of us being together, moving in together, starting a business together.

I hate lying to folks. Kills what few conscience cells, I have left. After a while, I just started being honest, too honest, with people. I didn’t care if it hurt their feelings or not. Tact is not my friend, most times.

You will be a one-time fuck. I will never call you again. Nothing you can say or do can change my mind.

Of course, you have men, who believe you and men, who think their penis is the greatest thing in the world. I will be instantly mesmerized by their touch and call them back. HA. Needless to know, they were being compared to the greatest two of all time, who are both tied for #1. Was it fair? No, but that’s how it was.

I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t lie anymore.