Who's in Control

This post was written a few weeks back.

I overheard one of the most stupidest things ever, which inspired this blog post. Who is in control over your behavior, your thoughts, your actions?

If you do something, whether smart or dumb or perverse, who is responsible for your actions? Who is to blame.

A while back, a relative went to jail for hitting her child. I called the police because the relative was not going to stop. She was drunk and high over something she thought my cousin said. Did the cousin say it? Of course, cousin admitted to it later. The damage though, was not immediately reparable.

The cousin had told the relative's boyfriend about the side piece. They broke up for a day, a freaking day, and then he wanted to bail the relative out of jail. Not sure what the cousin was trying to prove by telling on her drinking and smoking buddy, but the damage was done.

The child moved in with her aunt temporarily until the case is complete. The relative has to check in with her parole/probation officer each week. She has to go to court for something once a month. She also has to pay a major fine, but she does not have the money. No job. No one in the family can help with an amount that big. She may be going back to jail.

Today, I overheard the child's grandmother tell the child, if the child had CONTROLLED her mother's behavior, then grandma would not have to find a way to save up $1800 before court next week. Grandma placed the blame on her granddaughter. Her granddaughter got hit in the head. She had a sprained arm. She had to go to the hospital.

The grandma did not place any blame my cousin for starting the fire. She did not blame her daughter for over-drinking, smoking, and pill popping. She did not blame her daughter for belligerent behavior. She did not blame her daughter for hitting the grand. She blamed the child, which is confusing the hell out of me.

I also got part of the blame for calling the police. I thought the child was hurt since her head was going against the wall repeatedly.

If child was able to Control her mother, who was already under the influence.

How many times have we blamed others for our bad behavior? Maybe we blamed the wrong person for someone else's behavior.

I remember when I was younger, my grandma had misplaced some jewelry. I slept in a bed in her room for stupid reasons. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 14. Prior to diagnosis, I slept in a bedroom with my mother, 2 sisters, and sometimes the father. My grandma felt sleeping in a room with 3 or more people caused Epilepsy so she bought me a bed to put in her room. My uncle also slept in there on the couch because he felt if the police came for him (for one of his many offenses), they wouldn't find him on the couch in his mother's room...

I don't wear too much jewelry. Most of my collection is in a small bag in my purse or in a ziplock in the closet.

Anyway, I got the blame for missing jewelry. I never seen it. Didn't know what it looked like. Eventually, my grandma found where she placed her own jewelry. She moved it when she was cleaning and forgot. I never got an apology but I was pissed for a long time.

She lost it, I got the blame for days, despite protest.


So when I was having sex and got myself into some compromising situations, I chose to put myself in those situations. I chose to have sex with married men. I chose to be a webcam girl. I chose the men. I chose to be promiscuous. I chose to have sex outside of marriage, even before I physically done it, I mentally thought about it. I chose to have sex for money sometimes.

I chose to have sex for food, for a place to stay, because I was bored, because I had nothing else to do.

Some things I could not control though, such as the men's thoughts and actions, but I still have control.

Maybe if we put God in control first, then life would make so much more sense.