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About Me

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Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt.  I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ). 

 I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos. 

I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.

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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Interview Series: Part 3 Dignity James

Celibacy Diaries: The Interview Series Part 3
Dignity James

  • Name: Dignity James
  • Age: 38
  • Location: Michigan
  • Status: Celibate 3 months. Recently divorced from husband of 10 years.
  • I’m willing to wait for a spiritual, mental, and emotional connection before I have sex with someone.”

Definition of abstinence:

“Preserving my spirit, my mind, my emotions, and body, for a man, that is mutually invested in me.”

Handling Temptation:
James focuses on the things in life, which makes her happy. Temptation is “very challenging because the emotional hurt from my divorce cripples me at times. But, I am so kind to myself that it’s getting easier daily. I custom fit a life that makes me strong. I am my support system for the first time in my life. I’m not learning on anyone, but God and me. I have little expectations for people now. If they keep their word, cool. If not, that’s ok too. I depend on me. My limits are revealed through my instincts.”

Handling Strong Temptation

James bought plane tickets to go see a dude and have sex. “I wanted to be held and wanted.” On the day of her flight, “an invisible force caused me to panic” and she could not make the flight. She could not get her money back for the tickets ($300).
Another time, she went out on a date and had a good time. The “invisible force wouldn’t allow me to even kiss him. I can maintain a sexually stimulating conversation via text or on the phone, but in person, there’s this invisible barrier. It feels like fear, but a good fear. More like a protective shield.”

Support and Systems:

James’s support systems include her mom, god mom, and neighbor.

Godmother: “She’s like a guide, non-judgmental, and very protective of me. Even the slightest injustice, she wants to dismantle it.” James’s god mom wants to build her up, while “instilling the omnipresence of God in my present and future problems. She says, God sits high and looks low.”

While, her godmother provides a spiritual perspective, her neighbor, provides a deeper level of dialogue. “It’s like the dialogue I need.” James’ neighbor has a “been there, done there attitude. We visit one another a day or two out of the week. She works a lot, so it’s hit or miss sometimes. She can’t believe I’m so inexperienced sexually, so we will go to the adult stores and find ways to make me happy.

Mom: “My mom thinks I’m a teenager. She is calling me every four hours. What are you doing? What’s up? Come over, let’s go out to eat. Do you want to spend the night? It drives me crazy at night, but I laugh because I can remember for the past ten years being isolated by my own will. Trying to hold on to something, which appeared real. I understand she loves me and has all that pinned up love for me, which she was unable to unleash through the years. I am loved.

James is very open with her support system because she knows “they have her best interest at heart. I act in concert with our conversations. I can’t see myself going against the stuff, we’ve discussed. “

Are certain acts ok during celibacy and abstinence?

Masturbation is ok for me. ‘Self love’ coming from a sexually timid person, it came with fright. But walking in the toy store, purchasing the toy, and using it, must have been the most empowering thing I have done to this day.

I didn’t realize how disconnected, I was from myself. I waited for someone to love me; give me what I need; and when I didn’t get it, I was bitter, disappointed, and angry. But the first orgasm via me-Fireworks, everything just made sense. I didn’t feel guilty or condemned."

Changes in spiritual, mental, or physical life:

Things began shifting in my mind and I thought about how many sex partners I have had; the unfulfilling relationships, I could have prevented, in search of someone filling a void.”

Spiritual: James feels “protected, loved, and balanced”

Mental: “I feel adequate to face life’s challenges and confident, I will prosper and be in good health.

Physically: : “ I feel healthy. I joined the Y and I work out regularly. I swim and do aerobics at least once a week. I’m eating healthier. I played in my first piano recital a couple of weeks ago. I’m excited about the future.

What books, websites, and material do you go to for support and help?

The bible is my greatest inspiration. I hold on to scriptures as best as I can. My life long prayer has been that I’d be like a tree planted by the river, whose leaves never wither and whatever I do shall prosper. I will be an example to younger women and a wise steward over which God has entrusted me. “

James also reads  “Seven habits of successful people”. “I just recently found the CD when I moved back home. I hadn’t listened to it in ten years. But I guess subconsciously, the program was still playing in my mind. He says, ‘don’t allow what matters most to be at the mercy of what matters least. You are the programmer, write the program. Don’t live out some program, which doesn’t work in your life.”

Monday, December 16, 2013

Celibacy Diaries: The Interview Series Part 2 featuring Brian Apollo.

Celibacy Diaries: The Interview Series Part 2:
Interview with Brian Apollo

Name: Brian Apollo
Age: 37
City/State: Chicago, Illinois
Profession: School Psychologist, Author, Poet, and Youth Minister.
Status: Virgin

Part 2 of the Celibacy Diaries: Interview Series includes an interview with Brian Apollo, a 37 year old virgin, living in Chicago. Apollo chose to remain a virgin for spiritual reasons. I met Apollo through Alive Poets, a former weekly open Mic, on Yahoo Instant Messenger. We also met in person in Atlanta. Apollo is an inspiration to others and myself.

Brian’s parents raised him with strong Christian roots. His parents taught him sex belongs within the covenant of marriage. “If you love someone, you should give her something that no one has ever had and vice versa”

Being a virgin also has not stopped Apollo from dating. Apollo “is not looking for a girlfriend, I’m looking for a wife. If I can’t see myself spending my life with a woman, then why date?”

Handling Temptation:

First, Apollo said temptations combine thought and imagination. “Thoughts and imaginations are uncontrollable. “ Next, “Temptations begin in the mind and as long as it doesn’t develop into actions, then I’m cool.” 

Second, Apollo dealt with temptation strongly, when he attended prom. His girlfriend and him went out to eat, then came back to his house. “Both of us was dressed to impress and we all know that prom outfits leave nothing to the imagination. So we were staring at each other and before we knew it, we was kissing and touching. We were on the verge of going too far. I had a quick vision of myself in a casket. I believe that was God showing me my future and just as fast, I was turned off and scared. We both apologized and went home.”

Are certain sexual acts ok during virginity, celibacy, or abstinence?

“When is kissing not enough? When is petting not enough? How much petting will bring you to the point of no return? Plus  in each one of those acts, are we truly thinking of the other person or are we so driven by emotions that we stop using logic (meaning there will be an end-result to all of these acts of passion…”

Tips for youth and adults, who are virgins?

“Life is better when you can enjoy it. No matter how cautious you are and how much birth control you use, sex is designed for procreation, not recreation. Eventually the human boy will do what it’s designed to do and your life, future, and soul, will be tied to the person, you had sex with. It’s better to wait until marriage because if you’re going to join your soul with someone, it may as well be with the person you’re having an everlasting commitment with. Aint nothing as unfair to your soul mate than to compare him/her with all the people you had before him/her.”

Final Thoughts: Encouraging the youth

“I would simply let them know God is real and everyone is accountable for what they do at the end. God is love, but when everything is said and done, when we stand in front of him, and the book of life is opened up...”

Social Media:

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Stop, Simply Stop: Random Thoughts by Me.

Sometimes, we have to simply stop chasing behind; longing for; feigning after; craving for someone, who is not right for us. Yeah, I know it's hard to do, but it is necessary to move forward and move on. I caught myself, the other day, thinking about one or two people I used to talk to. One was platonic and the other wasn't. The non-platonic one is tied for # 1 of greatest sex partners of all time. I  have some contact information for both of them still.

The platonic friend, was a good friend of mine. We were close. He knew my secrets and I knew his. We had talked about dating before.

The friendship fizzled after I got pregnant with my youngest. He was very judgmental because of my past sexual history (which he knew about). I had to delete his number because I got tired of calling and texting, with no answer. I got tired of sending him messages on Facebook with no answer. Sometimes, I guess, it takes me a while to get the hint. He was no longer interested in being my friend.

He was one of those guys, who did not believe in casual sex, but slipped up every now and then. Even got someone pregnant in the last two years. I felt hurt. He judged me about my past and getting pregnant, yet he did the same thing, (but not as much sex).

The non-platonic friend helped me enjoy sex. I met him in 2005 on BlackPlanet.  I did not know sex could be that amazing until I met him. I got addicted to the penis. He was a good dude, but my judgment was clouded. I even wanted to date him to keep the penis. Even though we haven't talked in years, I was still calling, texting, and hitting up online, once again with no responses.

I have to learn to stop it. When someone shows a lack of interest, I need to learn to let them go. Delete their numbers and social media to prevent contact. If they have an interest in me, they will contact me and vice versa, on a regular basis. No matter how good the penis was. No matter how good the friendship was. It comes a time to simply let them go. They may not be in my life for life, but for a season.

Simply stop chasing after someone, who has a lack of interest in you.
Simply stop wanting to date someone, just for the penis
Simply stop contacting someone, who will not return your calls, texts, or instant messages.
Simply stop, reassess, and move on.

Stacie D. Wyatt

Monday, December 2, 2013

Talk is cheap. Actions means more.

Yesterday in church, Pastor Mike said something about not exploiting people, who made mistakes in life. Somehow, from that, I came up with this blog post.

On Thanksgiving, we had a house full of folks. Relatives and non-relatives. One of my relatives--Let's call him Uncle Dude--decided he wanted to talk to my niece's friend's mom. Niece's Friend's Mom is separated from her husband. She is in her 30s, maybe 40s. She also has eight kids. She is a beautiful, multi-ethic/racial, woman, with a nice shaped body.

Uncle Dude is 53 years old with no kids.

Uncle Dude talked all day long about wanting to date her, support her, help her with the kids. He even got her to agree to go on a date. As soon as Niece's friend's Mom went home, Uncle Dude talked about her like a dog. He disrespected her. He called her all sorts of cuss words. His story changed. He did not want to date her, he wanted to have sex with her. He did not want to be bothered with 8 kids. Yet, he still wanted to do other things.

A few days before, Uncle Dude and my daddy, was having a conversation, in front of four women, about viagra, prostitutes, and a woman's natural lubrication. I had to leave the room. My family never really talked about sex, when I was growing up. I definitely don't want to overhear some things at 33 years old. I simply don't want to know.

Here comes Saturday, they have a date. He had to change the time. He doesn't know where she lives. He doesn't know her apartment number. He woke up my niece after midnight to try to get her address and phone number. I assume he wants sex because he is walking around saying he is going to wash his pecker. I don't know if they had sex or not but I hope they did not. He was going to go over her house, where the kids live. Possibly wake the kids up.

One minute, you are plotting your move, telling people, you are interested. The next minute, calling her names. Then, you want to have sex with her, even after calling her words, which rhyme with witch. Using the Lord's name in vain when he is an Atheist.  He talked badly about her, but still wanted to screw her. I hope she has the gift of discernment.

The situation reminded me of a former, platonic friend, who lived in Dekalb County, Georgia. We was friends for a few years. Both of us were having sex with multiple partners. One day, this friend called me a ho because I was sleeping with multiple men, while he was not a ho, even though he was doing the same. Some time had passed and he asked we had not had sex yet. I never had an interest in him, but all I could think of was he called me a ho.

I felt my uncle was doing something similar, like the platonic friend.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I hate being single during the holidays Part 2: My thoughts

While listening to Monday's call, I realized I do get lonely at times, but it isn't seasonal, I think. Then again, I'm not really trying to date right now until my divorce is final.

So, here are my personal thoughts:

I was lonely during my marriage and I do get lonely separated, depending on what's going on in my life. Maybe the kids are acting up and I may think, I need someone to calm down one child, while I calm down the other. One recent episode of loneliness occurred during my first visit at my current church. After the morning service, I joined the church. The church had transportation, a nursery, and a special needs program.

After I talked to one of the people in the back, she asked me if I was single or married. I was honest and said separated. She decided to walk me to a marrieds class. Separation is married. yay me. No offense to marrieds, but I felt out of place. Some couples was celebrating their anniversaries and other highs. No one really discussed the lows. I didn't feel comfortable discussing marriage, when I was contemplating divorce. Luckily, my kids got me paged every 10 minutes or so, so I didn't have to sit through the whole class. Sunday School usually lasts 40 minutes to an hour. The next time, I came, I went to a class, based on age versus relationship status. I wish she put me in that class to begin with. When I am not in a specialty class, I am in my age class. Currently, I am taking Managing Money God's way. When you are in the wrong mindset, things won't work. I don't feel single, yet I don't feel married. I feel separated. I am in limbo. Where is the group for people in limbo?

I hate being single during the holidays: Celibacy is Sexy Monday Nov. 25, 2013 Summary Part 1

Celibacy is Sexy: I hate being single during the holidays Summary Part 1: 

Preparation, Positive Attitude, Prayerful, and Patience

Hosted by Kenny Pugh 

I wrote this in two parts. One to address the notes I wrote down in the session, and the other to address my personal thoughts. I decided to separate the posts because my thoughts filled two pages and my notes filled another two pages. 

People can get more lonely during the holidays because they don't have that special someone. Being lonely is no excuse to compromise your standards during this holiday season. For example, there is a dude, I know online in Houston. He wants to date me, for some strange reason. The man said because it is cold out. Yet, me and Dude are not compatible. He wants kids. I can't be a regret down the road because my tubes are tied. Luckily, I had listened to Pugh's conference call a few hours before dude started im'ing me. I told him being lonely is no excuse to not find the right one, instead of anyone. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Celibacy Diaries: Interview Series: Part 1: Interview with Keisha

Welcome to Celibacy Diaries. I thought of interviewing people about their celibacy, abstinence, or virginity a few months ago, but the idea did not cement until I enrolled in New Media Journalism at Full Sail University. 

I have posted requests for interviews across social media. I wanted to get different perspectives on how people view celibacy, abstinence, and virginity. I been reading books; articles on websites; and listening to the Celibacy is Sexy conference calls and I have noticed on certain topics, people have different perspectives. I noticed different perspectives on the definition of celibacy; the definition of abstinence; watching porn; and masturbation. Are certain acts ok when you are going without sex? 

The interviews are not a place to offer my insight and opinions, but let others, who are virgins, abstinent, or celibate share their perspective. The posts will be anonymous.

The first interview is with Keisha.

What is your name: Keisha

How long have you been celibate? 9 months

How old are you? 35 years old

How do you handle temptation? 

I usually think of something gross or watch a scary movie. I pray and read my bible during free time. 

What are your boundaries? Limits? 

No need for boundaries or limits. The things I do already work for me. 

What are your support systems?

My support system has been God. 

Do you have an accountability partner? 

I have a boyfriend. We have been dating almost two years. I started being celibate after the first year of dating him. He thought I was bluffing, but he has been supportive. I guess the question is should be how is he doing it? lol Or is he?
How long are you willing to wait to have sex again? 

The amount of time has increased with age with me. There is something about knowing your worth , which makes it worth it. I am waiting until I am in a committed, engaged, relationship. People date, but this does not mean they are marriage material. On that note, why give your body to someone, who you will not marry? You should never go below 6 months, I think. These days, most relationships won't last that long without sex. I can wait as long as I have to. It was not always that way. 

Tips for maintaining celibacy?
  1. Stay away from people, who always talk about sex or, who talk about hooking up with different people. 
  2. Love and respect the body God has given you. 
  3. Don't be tempted to engage in random sex. 
  4. Think future life partner and not temporary pleasure

What is your definition of abstinence? celibacy? virginity?
  1. Abstinence: ...refraining from any act, that provides enjoyment
  2. Celibacy: refraining from any sexual contact with others, until marriage
  3. Virginity: A woman being in a clean, pure, state, who never experienced any form of sexual pleasure through penetration. 
Are certain acts ok during abstinence and celibacy? (Masturbation, Heavy Kissing, Heavy Petting, etc).

I can't really say kissing or heavy petting is okay if you want to remain celibate. It can bring frustration, and then it's only a matter a time before someone gives in to the rest. Which is why my love says one day soon... one day soon...(laughs)

What changes have you noticed in your spiritual, mental, or physical life since you stopped having sex?

Since being celibate, I have had more dreams. I never dreamed so much in my life. It's weird and sometimes scary. I sense things, which I could not do before. It seems I can see people and things around me for who they truly are now. This is why it is best to wait and date for months before hopping into bed with someone. You will see a lot clearer if you just wait. 

What books, websites, and materials, do you use for support and help?

If it wasn't for God's good book, the bible..It's all the support I need. 

Final Remarks:

I would like to thank Keisha for participating in this interview. I hope more people will participate in future interviews. Please leave a comment. Also, like Celibacy Diaries on Facebook.

If you are interested in doing an interview for Celibacy Diaries, please email me at wyattstacie @ gmail dot com. You must be living a virgin, celibate, or abstinent lifestyle. I may expand the series to people, who are having sex to get their perspectives as well, in the future. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sanctified Sex Summary Part 2 (Celibacy is Sexy Conference Call hosted by Mr. Kenny Pugh)

Welcome to Part 2 of my 4 page notes. :-). This post contains Amazon affiliate links and images.

Part 2 will focus on what sanctified sex is. I forgot to mention in part 1 that the material comes from Chapter 4 of The Black Christian Singles Guide to Dating and Sexuality. It also makes sense to open up the book on Kindle to reference it along with my notes from Mr. Pugh as well. :-) Check out Celibacy is sexy  on the website or on twitter.

Chris Jackson discussed that sanctified sex is clean, purified, consecrated, holy, and dedicated (Black Christian's Guide to Dating and Sexuality, Kindle Edition, p. 57) Page numbers may vary.

Sex was designed for marriage and not because we are dating or have entered into a serious relationship (Jackson and Pugh). This was good to hear. I have heard people say they will be celibate until they get into a relationship. There are some men, who will

He discussed that sanctified sex helps build trust, fills voids, heals doubts, builds security, and heals hurts. Sanctified sex also requires discipline and maturity. Sanctified sex is not for the immature, which is why I never experienced it before.

Sanctified sex yields to God and is considered an act of worship (sex done correctly within God's plan). It is a good thing when sex is blessed with God within marriage. It is an act of obedience to wait until marriage to have sex.

Once again, this brings me back to the female caller, mentioned in Part 1. The caller said People build a framework about sex to get the benefits of sanctified sex. It is hard to build a healthy relationship when sex is the foundation.

Some benefits of Sanctified sex.  

  1. It puts the spotlight on qualities important in a healthy relationship.  A relationship needs a solid, healthy foundation. It is the steeple of a good relationship. People put sex as the steeple, but wonder why it quickly falls over. 
  2. Sanctified sex distinguishes between those who are serious and who are curious. Good point. How many times have you or myself have lost a good friend or a potential partner because they wanted sex and you did not? Reminds me of an old friend of mine. I had sex with him once in 2006. We was to meet up one day to go out. As soon as he pulled up to the driveway and I got in his vehicle, one of his regular sex partners called and I got cancelled for guaranteed booty. bad example. How many people have I not heard from again after I had sex with them? How many men have I not called after I had sex with them?
  3. Sanctified sex builds trust and habitual positive patterns. People want lifetime sexual partners but don't want a relationship. Some can't handle being in a healthy relationship. There are people I would love to have sex again for life. One is my favorite IT tech. He is tied for #1 great sex partner of all time. Chocolate, Bald, and a computer genius.  I have not heard from him in a while. I do miss him but I know we are not compatible for a relationship. Our friendship was built on sex. Pugh also discussed how if we can't control our desires while single, we may not control desires while married. Go Self-Control. 
  4. Sanctified sex helps with comparisons and flashbacks. Ouch. Pugh said that people can't help compare sexual experiences. If you are not having sex before marriage, then your spouse is the world's greatest lover because you have no one one to compare him or her too. I remember once when I was in bed with Stone Mountain/Decatur Area, but was thinking about Midtown Atlanta Man. It was like even though you are good, I wanted great. I wanted this particular act and I was not getting it from Stone Mountain. Wanting one man, while in bed with another. 
  5. Sanctified sex allows us to give our life-long partner a good present, cherished by both. Sanctified sex is powerful, passionate, and blessed. It does not have soul ties to others (which, I have a lot of). There are no old patterns to break if you wait until marriage. 
Finally, Pugh provided his takeaway tips for Sanctified Sex. 

  1. Set boundaries first, rather than being in someone house at 3 am, wondering why am I here.  Been there, done that. Need a t-shirt. 
  2. Avoid lateness, darkness, and extended privacy. 
  3. Keep your clothes on and remain vertical. Horizontal position can increase passion. Check out Pugh's book, Can You Do It Standing Up? A Different Position on Relationships: Insight To Help You Make Better Relationship Decisions
  4. Let the strong one help lead the weak one. 
  5. When in doubt, leave it out. 
  6. Minimize media exposure.  If you know a particular song or movie makes you weak in the knees, don't listen to it when you are around the opposite sex. 
Pugh concluded the call with this powerful statement. Abstinence is difficult. So is having sex with someone, who may not be around tomorrow and who may not have your best interest at heart. 

Sanctified Sex Oct 21, 2013 Summary of Celibacy is Sexy Call. Part 1.

Monday, October 21, 2013 Sanctified Sex. Celibacy Is Sexy Conference Call hosted by Kenny Pugh. This post contains Amazon affiliate links and images. This is Part 1 since my notes was 4 pages long.

Book used: The Black Christian Singles Guide to Dating and Sexuality by Chris Jackson. I bought the book and have added to the Celibacy Diaries Amazon store.

When I first heard the title Sanctified Sex, my mind immediately went to a song by Joe, Sanctified Girl ( Can't fight the feeling) from the All that I am CD.

Ooh I'm so into you. Do what you want to do.  Sanctified girl cuz your body's got me open And when your body calls, mine always listens. Looking down on us from mirrored ceilings. I can't get enough of what this is. It may wrong but it's so appealing. Baby, baby, I can't fight this feeling. 

The song is sexual in nature. Kenny discussed how when people think about sanctified sex, something holy and pure is not their first thought.

Kenny said sanctified sex as clean, pure, and holy sex. Next, Kenny discussed how people don't want to announce that they are celibate, abstinent, or a virgin. I know plenty of people, who are celibate, abstinent, or simply going without until, but they are not telling the world. You won't see that status update on Facebook. When I posted last year about my 2nd year of going without sex, a few folks was wondering why was I celebrating.

Second,  Pugh discussed how sex requires a physical, emotional, and spiritual connection. When sex is one dimensional, there is an imbalance. Of course, after hearing that, I thought of another song by my musical, imaginary husband, Joe. The song is Love and Sex off the Double Back: Evolution of R& B CD.

But something missing when it's only a superficial thing. But maybe I've learned there is a difference between love and sex. There is a difference between love and sex. Can I have the both of them? Seems nowadays the heart is far removed from the bedroom. The sex is not emotional, the only focus is physical. But there is a love level that we can't see if we open up to something different. Finally, I have learned there is a difference between love and sex. 

Sex was designed for marriage. Pugh also discussed that the union of genitalia was designed for marriage. It was not designed just because you are in a relationship or just because we went out on one date. Sex helps accent a marriage.

We also need a solid framework before bodies bond. Building a relationship, when sex is the foundation is tricky and will not always work. Pugh discussed in a typical sexual relationship, sex steals the show and it may kill a genuine friendship. Ouchie Ouch Ouch.

The first dude, I cheated on the soon-to-be ex-husband was a former friend of mine. The friendship started out with me helping him and a bunch of other students learn Microsoft Office. Then, somehow between sessions in the library, we was talking about anything and everything, except sex. Once we did have sex, months and months later, the friendship changed. I lost a good friend over some new and average sex. Pugh also said that a sexual relationship can keep people bound together longer than needed (yep, I definitely agree).

Finally, a female caller stated that People build a framework around sex to get benefits of sanctified sex. People use sex to fill voids and heal wounds (which I have) but that is not the purpose of sex. You can't determine where the relationship is at when sex is the foundation. Sex can cause a false positive or a false sense of reality.

Well this ends Part 1. I am going to type up the 2nd half of my notes next. The 2nd half will deal with what sanctified sex is. :-)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Conflicting views

The other day, I talked to a man, who had conflicting views about sex, compared to mine. I gave him my views, I listened to his. I haven't called him since. As soon as I told him, I was not having sex, his first question (which annoys me because I heard it before) was How are you going to satisfy your man, if you get into a relationship? I told him I would not.

Some of his beliefs included:

  • God designed pre-marital sex for all of us to enjoy. 
  • A woman needs to satisfy her man in a relationship.
  • Foreplay (even heavy) is ok during abstinence or celibacy. 
I was like WTF? Yes God designed sex for marriage, not to be abused and misused. Told him that foreplay can light a fire, especially if the other is a former sex addict. You may think she is only having sex with you, but she calling up old sex partners and arranging trips. 

I chose to end the conversation quickly. Being with him would cause frustration, confusion, regret, and heartbreak. He wants sex. I don't. He may get it from somewhere else. OR He wants sex. I have sex with him. My old thoughts and mindset still pop up every now and then. The relationship is still over. 

Those old thoughts and mindset:
I told another dude, the other day about my old thoughts and mindsets. He still wanted sex.  Some of my twisted, rationalized views included:

  1. I never think about men, who I never slept with. It can cause expectations, then frustration because he did not live up to the fantasy. 
  2. Regular sex partners got precedence over potential new partners or those sporadic, every now and then sex partners. 
  3. Men, who performed certain acts, got precedence over everyone. I will cancel on whoever to get that type of pleasure. 
  4. If I wasn't into you, I might still have sex with you because we both was available. You will be a one-night stand. Nothing will change my mind on this. I will delete your name and number afterwards.
  5. Calling me days, months, years, later will not make me remember you. If I am not calling you and you are not calling me, then it was just sex. We didn't have a friendship or anything serious. Asking me Why haven't you called me opens you up for either sarcasm or open, blunt honesty, which you do not want depending on my mood. 
  6. Never ask how you was in bed. This opens up up for either sarcasm or open, blunt honesty, which you may or may not want. I will happily tell you if you are good or great. I will try to maintain a line of communication, just in case future sex occurs. If you are bad or just average, see number 4. 
  7. If you are having sex with me because you overheard something from someone else, I had sex with. Don't expect the same results. If he a good or great, regular penis, then I am performing better. When you do what he do, then you can get what he get. Now if I just wasn't into him for whatever reason, then his name and number are deleted. If I sleep with you, the same thing may happen. 
As you can tell, my views were interesting. Some people told me I thought like a man. I had a lot of sex. Lot of experiences, good and bad. My views changed as I got deeper and deeper into what I thought was seeking out pleasure, but too much of anything can become bad. Sex isn't just sex. It isn't just surface-level pleasure. Sex can affect you deeply. 

When you are sick, your sex buddy may or may not be there for you.

When you are in the hospital, those sex buddies are not calling checking on you. 

When you want someone to talk to, calling a sex buddy may result only in sex. He may not be interested in hearing about your problems. 

Sex does not cure loneliness. I learned this the hard way. Kenny Pugh even discussed this on his Celibacy is Sexy chat the other day. 

Blurred Lines (Crazy People, Blurred Line Situations)

I thought of this topic a few days and no, I was not thinking about Robin Thicke (don't know the words to the song)

An ex told me, a long time ago, he slept with a cousin. Not a biological cousin, but a cousin on his step-fathers side. He did not see the weirdness of it all.

When I was in high school, my oldest uncle was dating a nice lady, with 3 boys. They was together a long time, until she died during my junior or senior year. He continued to help raise the boys, even until today. One of their cousins tried to get some booty from me, but I said no. I was a virgin at the time. and I am not about to sleep with a cousin, no matter if biological or not.

I was watching some day-time television the other day on Trisha. One of those baby-daddy shows. The show was complicated. The man wanted to know if his woman was sleeping around (which was true) and if the baby was his (was not his). The woman had 3 or more possible fathers to the baby. The man was also sleeping with the woman's sister and cousin, but did not think he was doing anything wrong because his woman was cheating as well. The sister and cousin also had something going on the side.

My 40ish old cousin just got out of jail last week. He came over here with my uncle to help mow the lawn. This fool made some comment that I looked good. I did not feel too comfortable with that. I have not seen this man since forever and now he thinking I look good. Ugh. The next day, my sister told me the cousin wants my number. I told her to tell him I don't have a number. My sister was joking about the situation today, talking about it is ok to mess with a distant cousin. Her response: A third cousin is ok. I wonder how many third cousins, she has been with. Eww.

Not to mention, the two former friends, who are in jail for a long time for child molestation. One got 20 years and One got life.

In all these cases, the lines had been crossed and blurred, but no one realized it was. The rationale was, I guess justified and rationalized to make it seem ok.

I have also been in those blurred line situations. The situation would be blatantly wrong but I will justify it or rationalize it to think it is ok.

If I watch this porno, it is ok because it's better than having sex.

 If I give into self-pleasure, then it is ok because of stress.

Those darn kids are trying my last nerve and I need to relax.

If I watch this movie, I can handle this intense, sex scene. '\

Even when I was officially married, instead of separated, I felt bad about cheating at first, but then, I felt if he is going to cheat, then I am going to continue to cheat as well. It's not wrong because he is doing the same thing. I should not feel bad about seeking pleasure from other, even if the other man does not provide it. Blurred lines.

If I listen to this song, I won't get hormonal. Maybe I can talk about sex without letting it too far off base. It's one thing to say I was promiscuous. I had meaningless sex. I was a sex addict. It's another to go into specific details about specific acts. Who, what, when, where, how. I  (maybe you) am trying to maintain my celibacy. If you engage in an explicit or veer close to an explicit conversation, you risk the other party getting horny. (S)he may be willing and waiting for the right opening to let down your defenses. For example, I know this dude, who has been celibate for 6 years. You would think he would be encouragement to me, but he is not. The other day, we was talking about whatever on facebook. He wants a relationship. He misses sex. He is celibate. All that was fine and good but he also said he was horny and wanted some head. I told him No and I will help him remain celibate. He kept bringing up he horny and I finally had to tell him I was uncomfortable with him sending me these messages.

I had already told him how old Stacie felt about sex and felt about men, she had sex with. This conversation could have lead to additional trouble, not to mention guilt or regret for saying too freaking much. You have to set clear boundaries, which will help you in those blurred line situations.

I WILL not watch, buy, subscribe, partake in, pornography.
I WILL install parental controls on my computer for myself 
I WILL not engage in explicit sexual conversations or veer close to it
I WILL try to seek God more for guidance
I WILL find an accountability partner, I can trust with my personal thoughts, without fear of the information leaking out. 
I will avoid that song by that man on that CD or Amazon Cloud 
I WILL delete or block anyone, who tries to pressure me into having sex

Friday, September 27, 2013

Adam's Rib by Shannon Gilmour Book review

I reviewed Adam's Rib for honest review. I received a PDF version of the book. The book was written by Shannon Gilmour. The book discusses the right time to discuss sex with your kids. If you wait too early, they may not be ready for it. On the other hand, if you wait too late, then you have to consider the other influences: peers, internet, social media, and other methods your child may have already learned about sex. The book also provides an in-depth analysis on why God chose to use the rib to form Eve. A rib isn't as insignificant as it seems. The book also discusses circumcision and menstruation from a different perspective. Finally, the book discusses adultery and masturbation. The book was saying masturbation is selfish and how it is a sin to gratify the flesh.

For me, I learned about sex from experience. My family did not discuss sex. It was too taboo to mention. I started having sex at 18. I also learned about sex eventually from erotica and porn. I also learned from peers at work. I was married then, but I had little experience when I got married at 19. All I knew was from the 3 men, I had been with, prior to marriage, including the ex-husband. When I started working, I overheard conversations from co-workers about this sex act and that sex act, and I had no idea what it was. I then consulted the internet. A friend let me borrow one of her Zane Books. That started my reading erotica online. I bookmarked a steamy website, very steamy, which I read from time to time, when I was alone. It was like--I was not getting this at home.

Anyway, I digress. Kids need to learn about sex early enough before other influences start to affect them. Parents can teach kids God's purpose for sex, STDS, pregnancy, and how emotions affect sex. Even if the kids still go off and have sex, at least they are well informed.

Some highlights of the book include:

  • God created us to be sexual creatures. Sexuality is normal but how we treat sex can be abnormal. We can have sex within the confines of marriage, but sexuality can be abused and misused. Sex is a good thing, but designed for marriage. 
  • Misusing and abusing sex can have physical and psychological ramifications. You have pleasure, which can lead to addiction. You also have to consider the exchange of bodily fluids, which may cause pregnancy and exchange of an sexually transmitted disease, also known as a sexually transmitted infection. 
  • Sexuality is not meant for recreation and exploitation. I learned that lesson late in life. 
  • Misusing and abusing sexuality has spiritual ramifications. Gilmour says we become spiritually and genetically linked with everyone, we have sex with. 
  • Being a virgin until marriage is a good thing. Anyone not willing to wait is not worth it. 
  • A focus on God will help during those times when lust and temptation arises.
The book is free on Shannon's website. Please check it out. It is a short book, but contains a lot of details.

Sunday, August 25, 2013


During the Celibacy is Sexy Chat on Monday, Kenny Pugh discussed setting boundaries in your relationships based on your values. If someone violates your boundaries, you need to incorporate consequences. You don't need to be with someone, who pressures you into having sex. They are not the one for you. You need to rethink any relationship, which wants to to violate boundaries, whatever they are (financial, mental stability, religious, etc).

So for this post, I decided to go through my favorite go-to books and discuss what each book says about boundaries. For me, I try to limit conversations about sex. I do not send XXX pics and videos. If someone sends me one, I immediately delete it. I do tell them not to send me any more, just in case, they are able to change. I also have a wonderful block feature on my phone. Some of my favorite sex songs, I gave up listening to. I don't watch porn at all anymore. and If for some reason, some bald headed, chocolate man, posts a sexy pic on facebook, I try not to stare too long (SMH Stacie).

This is a long post. Direct quotes are presented in italics. All sources are cited. Some of the books I bought from Amazon and Christian Books. Others I got for review. All these books are written from a Christian perspective. If you can't finish the post in one sitting, bookmark it, and come back later to finish. 

 Celibacy: what was I thinking by Tranea Prosser (review book)

  1. Refusing to answer questions about sexual preferences and birth control methods. Some questions may include What are you wearing? Talk sweet to me? Anything to do with Phone sex. 
  2. Write a list of characteristics you want in a mate, based on category, such as friend, acquaintance, and husband. The characteristics/traits need to have depth, not superficiality. 
  3. Do not send or receive XXX Pics and videos. 
  4. Prayer. Every man Tranea is interested in, goes to God in prayer. 
  5. NO ROMANCE NOVELS. Romance novels sometimes, well a lot of them have explicit sex scenes. They also can set unrealistic expectations. Now Stacie reviews books. Any romance novels, I have already committed to, I will finish, but I am not requesting any more. The books was starting to irritate me. You always know the girl will end up with the guy, no matter how much they can't stand each other in the beginning. and I have to skip (most of the time) over the sex scenes. 
  6. Be careful who you ask for relationship and romance advice from. 
  7. Accountability. Being open, honest. Describing what happened? when it happened? listen to wisdom. Find a good accountability partner, who you can trust.

What are you waiting for by Dannah Gresh? (amazon)

Chapter 11: The Line: What level of touching and Kissing is ok? How far is too far? Dannah discussed how a youth pastor said anything above the belt line is ok, yet going above is still dangerous territory. A kiss can be sweet and innocent or dangerously seductive (p. 111). You can feel a connection, a spark, or some strong sexual chemistry. How about fondling? God wants you to be exclusive not just in what you let a guy touches with his hands, but in what he caresses with his eyes as well (p. 115). Cover yourself up. I am guilty of showing lots of boobie cleavage in public.

Each touch or fondle or grope, whatever you call it,  can create an emotional connection. Lots of oxytocin released. According to Gresh, Oxytocin can help a woman reach her happy place. It creates desire. How about the imfamous oral sex? Gresh says Oral sex can create an emotional connection as well (p. 117), in addition to STDs. I used to be one of those women, who thought Oral sex was not sex, but hey it got sex in the name.

Gresh also gives a box, which is named: Where is your line?  on page 116. It consists of 10 activities. Her directions. Pick a place to draw your line.

  • Sexual intercourse
  • Oral sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Breast fondling
  • The horizontal make-out
  • The vertical make-out
  • An open mouth kiss
  • A soft kiss
  • Holding hands
  • A steady gaze.
Finally, Gresh says on Page 118, we aren't supposed to be finding out just how close we can get to that virgin line without sinning. Instead we should be pursuing a life that is free from any hint of sexual sin. 

Jennifer LeClaire: A spiritual warrior's guide to defeating Jezebel (book review)

LeClaire discussed how we all may fall prey to temptation or sexual immorality. It doesn't matter if we are Christian or not. Being in a committed relationship does not mean we can engage in premarital sex. It is still wrong in the eyes of God. 

Page 31 says how some people look for ways to justify their self-will. I am guilty of this. This is ok because I am under stress or I need a release. This is ok, but yet still wrong as hell. Page 31 to 32 also says others draw broad lines around the definition of sexual immorality, suggesting fondling and oral sex outside the bonds of marriage is within the acceptable boundaries of God's word. This type of information merely sets believers for a devastating fall by beguiling them into walking  a tightrope that spans the pits of Jezebel. Sexual immorality is any sexual act outside the covenant of marriage

Confessions of  Good Christian Girl by Tammy Maltby (Christian Books). 

Chapter 3 was a powerful chapter. One of the first passages, which stood out was How would you feel if somebody turned a spotlight on our sexual history? What is everyone you met suddenly knew the details of what you had done and what had been done to you? (p. 37). Yikes. I have done things, I still have not told anyone. I have done things I am embarrassed about. Things I regret. Things I enjoyed. Things I will never do again. Yet, Things I have learned from. Things I will never discuss in church or confess to a priest. Everyone has their secrets. Most people know I had a lot of sex in the past, but most don't know my count. Some know I used to be a webcam girl. I took XXX pics and videos for fun and for profit.  One night stands. Affairs. Cheating. Addiction to porn, sex, masturbation, and toys. I was sexually open, but broken as well. Used sex to manipulate others. maybe. Sex to hide pain. maybe. Sex for food. Sex for money. maybe and maybe. Sex for a place to live. maybe. Sex because I am bored. maybe. Sex to prove a point. maybe. 

Definitely not an angel. I can say all that, but I still have a few stories and regrets, I am embarrassed to share, even with God. Confession is good for the soul, but how much confession? total, open honesty, risking judgment and cruelty. Risk losing a potential relationship because you mentioned your sex count, even if his may be a tad higher. Telling people I have herpes is easier than telling about my sexual past. Definitely easier than explaining why I am celibate. When I took a celibacy course a while back, my mentor suggested I talk to the church to find an accountability partner. I been going to my church a little over a year now, but I am not sure about revealing my sexual past to just anyone. I talk to people at church, but mostly about my kids. I hardly ever talk about myself. Definitely guarded. Even if the church offered a celibacy course, not sure how open I would be. Go to the blog, Stacie would say lol. hit me up in an email or after church, but public confession. ummmm, not at this time. 

Kenny Pugh was saying in a chat a while back how we need to save a first for our spouse. and I'm not sure what that first is. I never been with a woman, but that will never be a first. All I could think of was to be committed, fully committed to the marriage, to the best of my ability. 

There is a great chapter on confession on page. 255. What to do when a good christian girl confesses to you. Listen. Do not judge. Pray. Don't try to fix the problem. Be careful of giving advice. 

Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal (book review)

Page 227 discusses how we are to flee from sexual immorality. It also gives a list of unacceptable and acceptable behaviors/boundaries.  Deal suggests we keep our physical activities between numbers 1 and 4 (pp. 227-228).

  1. Holding hands
  2. Hugging
  3. Light kissing
  4. French Kissing
  5. Kissing on neck, ears, or other parts of the body
  6. Indirect stimulation of breast and genitals
  7. Manual stimulation of breasts and genitals.
  8. Oral stimulation of breasts and genitals
  9. Intercourse/anal sex
If we mess up, we are to confess our sins to God and repent. Inform your mentor. Confess and seek forgiveness from your sexual partner. Develop a purity pledge for your relationships. 

Can you do it standing up by Kenny Pugh (amazon)

  • Page 38 Don't allow your impatience to convince you to do something which is not in your best interest long-term. 
  • Put GOD First in every relationship. 
  • Don't entertain sexual conversations and innuendo. 
  • If you are friends with an ex-boyfriend or even an ex- sex partner, set additional boundaries if you are in a relationship. The ex can pose a threat to the current relationship. 
  • Know when it is time to let someone go. If you are committed and they are not, then that's a sign. Stop investing time and energy into someone, who may not be sure who or want they want. Don't settle. Uncommitted relationships are a form of dead weight that can keep you from being all god has designed you to be. (p.59)
  • Don't allow yourself to be unequally yoked to someone. To be unequally yoked means to be connected or tied to someone who does not have the same beliefs, desires, and/or goals as you (p. 65)
  • No sex. no test driving. (now you knew that was coming, It is a book on celibacy. This is a celibacy blog. Sex can confuse things, like emotions. Wait until marriage. the right marriage. A God-ordained marriage. When you recognize the true value of something, there is no need to test drive or try it out (p. 91). 
  • Revise and revisit your list of expectations 1x to 2x a year. Look at your life, desires, values, etc. Do not carry the same list for years and decades. Things change, so should your expectations. 
  • Simply knowing and believing in God is not basis for a relationship. (p. 101). Once again, sharing one trait is not enough to base the relationship on. God should be the foundation, but you still need Godly guidance on picking a mate. If he is wrong for you, then he is wrong for you. Christian or not. 
  • Kenny does give a solid relationship plan in p. 111. Read the bible. Seek a relationship/marriage mentor. Work on you.