Boundaries

During the Celibacy is Sexy Chat on Monday, Kenny Pugh discussed setting boundaries in your relationships based on your values. If someone violates your boundaries, you need to incorporate consequences. You don't need to be with someone, who pressures you into having sex. They are not the one for you. You need to rethink any relationship, which wants to to violate boundaries, whatever they are (financial, mental stability, religious, etc).

So for this post, I decided to go through my favorite go-to books and discuss what each book says about boundaries. For me, I try to limit conversations about sex. I do not send XXX pics and videos. If someone sends me one, I immediately delete it. I do tell them not to send me any more, just in case, they are able to change. I also have a wonderful block feature on my phone. Some of my favorite sex songs, I gave up listening to. I don't watch porn at all anymore. and If for some reason, some bald headed, chocolate man, posts a sexy pic on facebook, I try not to stare too long (SMH Stacie).

This is a long post. Direct quotes are presented in italics. All sources are cited. Some of the books I bought from Amazon and Christian Books. Others I got for review. All these books are written from a Christian perspective. If you can't finish the post in one sitting, bookmark it, and come back later to finish. 

 Celibacy: what was I thinking by Tranea Prosser (review book)

1. Refusing to answer questions about sexual preferences and birth control methods. Some questions may include What are you wearing? Talk sweet to me? Anything to do with Phone sex. 
2. Write a list of characteristics you want in a mate, based on category, such as friend, acquaintance, and husband. The characteristics/traits need to have depth, not superficiality. 
3. Do not send or receive XXX Pics and videos. 
4. Prayer. Every man Tranea is interested in, goes to God in prayer. 
5. NO ROMANCE NOVELS. Romance novels sometimes, well a lot of them have explicit sex scenes. They also can set unrealistic expectations. Now Stacie reviews books. Any romance novels, I have already committed to, I will finish, but I am not requesting any more. The books was starting to irritate me. You always know the girl will end up with the guy, no matter how much they can't stand each other in the beginning. and I have to skip (most of the time) over the sex scenes. 
6. Be careful who you ask for relationship and romance advice from. 
7. Accountability. Being open, honest. Describing what happened? when it happened? listen to wisdom. Find a good accountability partner, who you can trust.

What are you waiting for by Dannah Gresh? (amazon)

Chapter 11: The Line: What level of touching and Kissing is ok? How far is too far? Dannah discussed how a youth pastor said anything above the belt line is ok, yet going above is still dangerous territory. A kiss can be sweet and innocent or dangerously seductive (p. 111). You can feel a connection, a spark, or some strong sexual chemistry. How about fondling? God wants you to be exclusive not just in what you let a guy touches with his hands, but in what he caresses with his eyes as well (p. 115). Cover yourself up. I am guilty of showing lots of boobie cleavage in public.

Each touch or fondle or grope, whatever you call it,  can create an emotional connection. Lots of oxytocin released. According to Gresh, Oxytocin can help a woman reach her happy place. It creates desire. How about the imfamous oral sex? Gresh says Oral sex can create an emotional connection as well (p. 117), in addition to STDs. I used to be one of those women, who thought Oral sex was not sex, but hey it got sex in the name.

Gresh also gives a box, which is named: Where is your line?  on page 116. It consists of 10 activities. Her directions. Pick a place to draw your line.

• Sexual intercourse
• Oral sex
• Mutual masturbation
• Breast fondling
• The horizontal make-out
• The vertical make-out
• An open mouth kiss
• A soft kiss
• Holding hands
• A steady gaze.

Finally, Gresh says on Page 118, we aren't supposed to be finding out just how close we can get to that virgin line without sinning. Instead we should be pursuing a life that is free from any hint of sexual sin. 

Jennifer LeClaire: A spiritual warrior's guide to defeating Jezebel (book review)

LeClaire discussed how we all may fall prey to temptation or sexual immorality. It doesn't matter if we are Christian or not. Being in a committed relationship does not mean we can engage in premarital sex. It is still wrong in the eyes of God. 

Page 31 says how some people look for ways to justify their self-will. I am guilty of this. This is ok because I am under stress or I need a release. This is ok, but yet still wrong as hell. Page 31 to 32 also says others draw broad lines around the definition of sexual immorality, suggesting fondling and oral sex outside the bonds of marriage is within the acceptable boundaries of God's word. This type of information merely sets believers for a devastating fall by beguiling them into walking  a tightrope that spans the pits of Jezebel. Sexual immorality is any sexual act outside the covenant of marriage

Confessions of  Good Christian Girl by Tammy Maltby (Christian Books). 

Chapter 3 was a powerful chapter. One of the first passages, which stood out was How would you feel if somebody turned a spotlight on our sexual history? What is everyone you met suddenly knew the details of what you had done and what had been done to you? (p. 37). Yikes. I have done things, I still have not told anyone. I have done things I am embarrassed about. Things I regret. Things I enjoyed. Things I will never do again. Yet, Things I have learned from. Things I will never discuss in church or confess to a priest. Everyone has their secrets. Most people know I had a lot of sex in the past, but most don't know my count. Some know I used to be a webcam girl. I took XXX pics and videos for fun and for profit.  One night stands. Affairs. Cheating. Addiction to porn, sex, masturbation, and toys. I was sexually open, but broken as well. Used sex to manipulate others. maybe. Sex to hide pain. maybe. Sex for food. Sex for money. maybe and maybe. Sex for a place to live. maybe. Sex because I am bored. maybe. Sex to prove a point. maybe. 

Definitely not an angel. I can say all that, but I still have a few stories and regrets, I am embarrassed to share, even with God. Confession is good for the soul, but how much confession? total, open honesty, risking judgment and cruelty. Risk losing a potential relationship because you mentioned your sex count, even if his may be a tad higher. Telling people I have herpes is easier than telling about my sexual past. Definitely easier than explaining why I am celibate. When I took a celibacy course a while back, my mentor suggested I talk to the church to find an accountability partner. I been going to my church a little over a year now, but I am not sure about revealing my sexual past to just anyone. I talk to people at church, but mostly about my kids. I hardly ever talk about myself. Definitely guarded. Even if the church offered a celibacy course, not sure how open I would be. Go to the blog, Stacie would say lol. hit me up in an email or after church, but public confession. ummmm, not at this time. 

Kenny Pugh was saying in a chat a while back how we need to save a first for our spouse. and I'm not sure what that first is. I never been with a woman, but that will never be a first. All I could think of was to be committed, fully committed to the marriage, to the best of my ability. 

There is a great chapter on confession on page. 255. What to do when a good christian girl confesses to you. Listen. Do not judge. Pray. Don't try to fix the problem. Be careful of giving advice. 

Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal (book review)

Page 227 discusses how we are to flee from sexual immorality. It also gives a list of unacceptable and acceptable behaviors/boundaries.  Deal suggests we keep our physical activities between numbers 1 and 4 (pp. 227-228).

1. Holding hands
2. Hugging
3. Light kissing
4. French Kissing
5. Kissing on neck, ears, or other parts of the body
6. Indirect stimulation of breast and genitals
7. Manual stimulation of breasts and genitals.
8. Oral stimulation of breasts and genitals
9. Intercourse/anal sex

If we mess up, we are to confess our sins to God and repent. Inform your mentor. Confess and seek forgiveness from your sexual partner. Develop a purity pledge for your relationships. 

Can you do it standing up by Kenny Pugh (amazon)

• Page 38 Don't allow your impatience to convince you to do something which is not in your best interest long-term. 
• Put GOD First in every relationship. 
• Don't entertain sexual conversations and innuendo. 
• If you are friends with an ex-boyfriend or even an ex- sex partner, set additional boundaries if you are in a relationship. The ex can pose a threat to the current relationship. 
• Know when it is time to let someone go. If you are committed and they are not, then that's a sign. Stop investing time and energy into someone, who may not be sure who or want they want. Don't settle. Uncommitted relationships are a form of dead weight that can keep you from being all god has designed you to be. (p.59)
• Don't allow yourself to be unequally yoked to someone. To be unequally yoked means to be connected or tied to someone who does not have the same beliefs, desires, and/or goals as you (p. 65)
• No sex. no test driving. (now you knew that was coming, It is a book on celibacy. This is a celibacy blog. Sex can confuse things, like emotions. Wait until marriage. the right marriage. A God-ordained marriage. When you recognize the true value of something, there is no need to test drive or try it out (p. 91). 
• Revise and revisit your list of expectations 1x to 2x a year. Look at your life, desires, values, etc. Do not carry the same list for years and decades. Things change, so should your expectations. 
• Simply knowing and believing in God is not basis for a relationship. (p. 101). Once again, sharing one trait is not enough to base the relationship on. God should be the foundation, but you still need Godly guidance on picking a mate. If he is wrong for you, then he is wrong for you. Christian or not. 
• Kenny does give a solid relationship plan in p. 111. Read the bible. Seek a relationship/marriage mentor. Work on you.