Interview Series: Part 3 Dignity James

Celibacy Diaries: The Interview Series Part 3

Dignity James

• Name: Dignity James
• Age: 38
• Location: Michigan
• Status: Celibate 3 months. Recently divorced from husband of 10 years.
• “ I’m willing to wait for a spiritual, mental, and emotional connection before I have sex with someone.”

Definition of abstinence:

“Preserving my spirit, my mind, my emotions, and body, for a man, that is mutually invested in me.”

Handling Temptation:

James focuses on the things in life, which makes her happy. Temptation is “very challenging because the emotional hurt from my divorce cripples me at times. But, I am so kind to myself that it’s getting easier daily. I custom fit a life that makes me strong. I am my support system for the first time in my life. I’m not learning on anyone, but God and me. I have little expectations for people now. If they keep their word, cool. If not, that’s ok too. I depend on me. My limits are revealed through my instincts.”

Handling Strong Temptation

James bought plane tickets to go see a dude and have sex. “I wanted to be held and wanted.” On the day of her flight, “an invisible force caused me to panic” and she could not make the flight. She could not get her money back for the tickets ($300).

Another time, she went out on a date and had a good time. The “invisible force wouldn’t allow me to even kiss him. I can maintain a sexually stimulating conversation via text or on the phone, but in person, there’s this invisible barrier. It feels like fear, but a good fear. More like a protective shield.”

Support and Systems:

James’s support systems include her mom, god mom, and neighbor.

Godmother: “She’s like a guide, non-judgmental, and very protective of me. Even the slightest injustice, she wants to dismantle it.” James’s god mom wants to build her up, while “instilling the omnipresence of God in my present and future problems. She says, God sits high and looks low.”

While, her godmother provides a spiritual perspective, her neighbor, provides a deeper level of dialogue. “It’s like the dialogue I need.” James’ neighbor has a “been there, done there attitude. We visit one another a day or two out of the week. She works a lot, so it’s hit or miss sometimes. She can’t believe I’m so inexperienced sexually, so we will go to the adult stores and find ways to make me happy.

Mom: “My mom thinks I’m a teenager. She is calling me every four hours. What are you doing? What’s up? Come over, let’s go out to eat. Do you want to spend the night? It drives me crazy at night, but I laugh because I can remember for the past ten years being isolated by my own will. Trying to hold on to something, which appeared real. I understand she loves me and has all that pinned up love for me, which she was unable to unleash through the years. I am loved.

James is very open with her support system because she knows “they have her best interest at heart. I act in concert with our conversations. I can’t see myself going against the stuff, we’ve discussed. “

Are certain acts ok during celibacy and abstinence?

“Masturbation is ok for me. ‘Self love’ coming from a sexually timid person, it came with fright. But walking in the toy store, purchasing the toy, and using it, must have been the most empowering thing I have done to this day.

I didn’t realize how disconnected, I was from myself. I waited for someone to love me; give me what I need; and when I didn’t get it, I was bitter, disappointed, and angry. But the first orgasm via me-Fireworks, everything just made sense. I didn’t feel guilty or condemned."

Changes in spiritual, mental, or physical life:

“Things began shifting in my mind and I thought about how many sex partners I have had; the unfulfilling relationships, I could have prevented, in search of someone filling a void.”

Spiritual: James feels “protected, loved, and balanced”

Mental: “I feel adequate to face life’s challenges and confident, I will prosper and be in good health.

Physically: : “ I feel healthy. I joined the Y and I work out regularly. I swim and do aerobics at least once a week. I’m eating healthier. I played in my first piano recital a couple of weeks ago. I’m excited about the future.

What books, websites, and material do you go to for support and help?

“ The bible is my greatest inspiration. I hold on to scriptures as best as I can. My life long prayer has been that I’d be like a tree planted by the river, whose leaves never wither and whatever I do shall prosper. I will be an example to younger women and a wise steward over which God has entrusted me. “

James also reads  “Seven habits of successful people”. “I just recently found the CD when I moved back home. I hadn’t listened to it in ten years. But I guess subconsciously, the program was still playing in my mind. He says, ‘don’t allow what matters most to be at the mercy of what matters least. You are the programmer, write the program. Don’t live out some program, which doesn’t work in your life.”