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About Me

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Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt.  I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ). 

 I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos. 

I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.

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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sanctified Sex Summary Part 2 (Celibacy is Sexy Conference Call hosted by Mr. Kenny Pugh)

Welcome to Part 2 of my 4 page notes. :-). This post contains Amazon affiliate links and images.

Part 2 will focus on what sanctified sex is. I forgot to mention in part 1 that the material comes from Chapter 4 of The Black Christian Singles Guide to Dating and Sexuality. It also makes sense to open up the book on Kindle to reference it along with my notes from Mr. Pugh as well. :-) Check out Celibacy is sexy  on the website or on twitter.

Chris Jackson discussed that sanctified sex is clean, purified, consecrated, holy, and dedicated (Black Christian's Guide to Dating and Sexuality, Kindle Edition, p. 57) Page numbers may vary.

Sex was designed for marriage and not because we are dating or have entered into a serious relationship (Jackson and Pugh). This was good to hear. I have heard people say they will be celibate until they get into a relationship. There are some men, who will

He discussed that sanctified sex helps build trust, fills voids, heals doubts, builds security, and heals hurts. Sanctified sex also requires discipline and maturity. Sanctified sex is not for the immature, which is why I never experienced it before.

Sanctified sex yields to God and is considered an act of worship (sex done correctly within God's plan). It is a good thing when sex is blessed with God within marriage. It is an act of obedience to wait until marriage to have sex.

Once again, this brings me back to the female caller, mentioned in Part 1. The caller said People build a framework about sex to get the benefits of sanctified sex. It is hard to build a healthy relationship when sex is the foundation.

Some benefits of Sanctified sex.  

  1. It puts the spotlight on qualities important in a healthy relationship.  A relationship needs a solid, healthy foundation. It is the steeple of a good relationship. People put sex as the steeple, but wonder why it quickly falls over. 
  2. Sanctified sex distinguishes between those who are serious and who are curious. Good point. How many times have you or myself have lost a good friend or a potential partner because they wanted sex and you did not? Reminds me of an old friend of mine. I had sex with him once in 2006. We was to meet up one day to go out. As soon as he pulled up to the driveway and I got in his vehicle, one of his regular sex partners called and I got cancelled for guaranteed booty. bad example. How many people have I not heard from again after I had sex with them? How many men have I not called after I had sex with them?
  3. Sanctified sex builds trust and habitual positive patterns. People want lifetime sexual partners but don't want a relationship. Some can't handle being in a healthy relationship. There are people I would love to have sex again for life. One is my favorite IT tech. He is tied for #1 great sex partner of all time. Chocolate, Bald, and a computer genius.  I have not heard from him in a while. I do miss him but I know we are not compatible for a relationship. Our friendship was built on sex. Pugh also discussed how if we can't control our desires while single, we may not control desires while married. Go Self-Control. 
  4. Sanctified sex helps with comparisons and flashbacks. Ouch. Pugh said that people can't help compare sexual experiences. If you are not having sex before marriage, then your spouse is the world's greatest lover because you have no one one to compare him or her too. I remember once when I was in bed with Stone Mountain/Decatur Area, but was thinking about Midtown Atlanta Man. It was like even though you are good, I wanted great. I wanted this particular act and I was not getting it from Stone Mountain. Wanting one man, while in bed with another. 
  5. Sanctified sex allows us to give our life-long partner a good present, cherished by both. Sanctified sex is powerful, passionate, and blessed. It does not have soul ties to others (which, I have a lot of). There are no old patterns to break if you wait until marriage. 
Finally, Pugh provided his takeaway tips for Sanctified Sex. 

  1. Set boundaries first, rather than being in someone house at 3 am, wondering why am I here.  Been there, done that. Need a t-shirt. 
  2. Avoid lateness, darkness, and extended privacy. 
  3. Keep your clothes on and remain vertical. Horizontal position can increase passion. Check out Pugh's book, Can You Do It Standing Up? A Different Position on Relationships: Insight To Help You Make Better Relationship Decisions
  4. Let the strong one help lead the weak one. 
  5. When in doubt, leave it out. 
  6. Minimize media exposure.  If you know a particular song or movie makes you weak in the knees, don't listen to it when you are around the opposite sex. 
Pugh concluded the call with this powerful statement. Abstinence is difficult. So is having sex with someone, who may not be around tomorrow and who may not have your best interest at heart. 

Sanctified Sex Oct 21, 2013 Summary of Celibacy is Sexy Call. Part 1.

Monday, October 21, 2013 Sanctified Sex. Celibacy Is Sexy Conference Call hosted by Kenny Pugh. This post contains Amazon affiliate links and images. This is Part 1 since my notes was 4 pages long.

Book used: The Black Christian Singles Guide to Dating and Sexuality by Chris Jackson. I bought the book and have added to the Celibacy Diaries Amazon store.

When I first heard the title Sanctified Sex, my mind immediately went to a song by Joe, Sanctified Girl ( Can't fight the feeling) from the All that I am CD.

Ooh I'm so into you. Do what you want to do.  Sanctified girl cuz your body's got me open And when your body calls, mine always listens. Looking down on us from mirrored ceilings. I can't get enough of what this is. It may wrong but it's so appealing. Baby, baby, I can't fight this feeling. 

The song is sexual in nature. Kenny discussed how when people think about sanctified sex, something holy and pure is not their first thought.

Kenny said sanctified sex as clean, pure, and holy sex. Next, Kenny discussed how people don't want to announce that they are celibate, abstinent, or a virgin. I know plenty of people, who are celibate, abstinent, or simply going without until, but they are not telling the world. You won't see that status update on Facebook. When I posted last year about my 2nd year of going without sex, a few folks was wondering why was I celebrating.

Second,  Pugh discussed how sex requires a physical, emotional, and spiritual connection. When sex is one dimensional, there is an imbalance. Of course, after hearing that, I thought of another song by my musical, imaginary husband, Joe. The song is Love and Sex off the Double Back: Evolution of R& B CD.

But something missing when it's only a superficial thing. But maybe I've learned there is a difference between love and sex. There is a difference between love and sex. Can I have the both of them? Seems nowadays the heart is far removed from the bedroom. The sex is not emotional, the only focus is physical. But there is a love level that we can't see if we open up to something different. Finally, I have learned there is a difference between love and sex. 

Sex was designed for marriage. Pugh also discussed that the union of genitalia was designed for marriage. It was not designed just because you are in a relationship or just because we went out on one date. Sex helps accent a marriage.

We also need a solid framework before bodies bond. Building a relationship, when sex is the foundation is tricky and will not always work. Pugh discussed in a typical sexual relationship, sex steals the show and it may kill a genuine friendship. Ouchie Ouch Ouch.

The first dude, I cheated on the soon-to-be ex-husband was a former friend of mine. The friendship started out with me helping him and a bunch of other students learn Microsoft Office. Then, somehow between sessions in the library, we was talking about anything and everything, except sex. Once we did have sex, months and months later, the friendship changed. I lost a good friend over some new and average sex. Pugh also said that a sexual relationship can keep people bound together longer than needed (yep, I definitely agree).

Finally, a female caller stated that People build a framework around sex to get benefits of sanctified sex. People use sex to fill voids and heal wounds (which I have) but that is not the purpose of sex. You can't determine where the relationship is at when sex is the foundation. Sex can cause a false positive or a false sense of reality.

Well this ends Part 1. I am going to type up the 2nd half of my notes next. The 2nd half will deal with what sanctified sex is. :-)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Conflicting views

The other day, I talked to a man, who had conflicting views about sex, compared to mine. I gave him my views, I listened to his. I haven't called him since. As soon as I told him, I was not having sex, his first question (which annoys me because I heard it before) was How are you going to satisfy your man, if you get into a relationship? I told him I would not.

Some of his beliefs included:

  • God designed pre-marital sex for all of us to enjoy. 
  • A woman needs to satisfy her man in a relationship.
  • Foreplay (even heavy) is ok during abstinence or celibacy. 
I was like WTF? Yes God designed sex for marriage, not to be abused and misused. Told him that foreplay can light a fire, especially if the other is a former sex addict. You may think she is only having sex with you, but she calling up old sex partners and arranging trips. 

I chose to end the conversation quickly. Being with him would cause frustration, confusion, regret, and heartbreak. He wants sex. I don't. He may get it from somewhere else. OR He wants sex. I have sex with him. My old thoughts and mindset still pop up every now and then. The relationship is still over. 

Those old thoughts and mindset:
I told another dude, the other day about my old thoughts and mindsets. He still wanted sex.  Some of my twisted, rationalized views included:

  1. I never think about men, who I never slept with. It can cause expectations, then frustration because he did not live up to the fantasy. 
  2. Regular sex partners got precedence over potential new partners or those sporadic, every now and then sex partners. 
  3. Men, who performed certain acts, got precedence over everyone. I will cancel on whoever to get that type of pleasure. 
  4. If I wasn't into you, I might still have sex with you because we both was available. You will be a one-night stand. Nothing will change my mind on this. I will delete your name and number afterwards.
  5. Calling me days, months, years, later will not make me remember you. If I am not calling you and you are not calling me, then it was just sex. We didn't have a friendship or anything serious. Asking me Why haven't you called me opens you up for either sarcasm or open, blunt honesty, which you do not want depending on my mood. 
  6. Never ask how you was in bed. This opens up up for either sarcasm or open, blunt honesty, which you may or may not want. I will happily tell you if you are good or great. I will try to maintain a line of communication, just in case future sex occurs. If you are bad or just average, see number 4. 
  7. If you are having sex with me because you overheard something from someone else, I had sex with. Don't expect the same results. If he a good or great, regular penis, then I am performing better. When you do what he do, then you can get what he get. Now if I just wasn't into him for whatever reason, then his name and number are deleted. If I sleep with you, the same thing may happen. 
As you can tell, my views were interesting. Some people told me I thought like a man. I had a lot of sex. Lot of experiences, good and bad. My views changed as I got deeper and deeper into what I thought was seeking out pleasure, but too much of anything can become bad. Sex isn't just sex. It isn't just surface-level pleasure. Sex can affect you deeply. 

When you are sick, your sex buddy may or may not be there for you.

When you are in the hospital, those sex buddies are not calling checking on you. 

When you want someone to talk to, calling a sex buddy may result only in sex. He may not be interested in hearing about your problems. 

Sex does not cure loneliness. I learned this the hard way. Kenny Pugh even discussed this on his Celibacy is Sexy chat the other day. 

Blurred Lines (Crazy People, Blurred Line Situations)

I thought of this topic a few days and no, I was not thinking about Robin Thicke (don't know the words to the song)

An ex told me, a long time ago, he slept with a cousin. Not a biological cousin, but a cousin on his step-fathers side. He did not see the weirdness of it all.

When I was in high school, my oldest uncle was dating a nice lady, with 3 boys. They was together a long time, until she died during my junior or senior year. He continued to help raise the boys, even until today. One of their cousins tried to get some booty from me, but I said no. I was a virgin at the time. and I am not about to sleep with a cousin, no matter if biological or not.

I was watching some day-time television the other day on Trisha. One of those baby-daddy shows. The show was complicated. The man wanted to know if his woman was sleeping around (which was true) and if the baby was his (was not his). The woman had 3 or more possible fathers to the baby. The man was also sleeping with the woman's sister and cousin, but did not think he was doing anything wrong because his woman was cheating as well. The sister and cousin also had something going on the side.

My 40ish old cousin just got out of jail last week. He came over here with my uncle to help mow the lawn. This fool made some comment that I looked good. I did not feel too comfortable with that. I have not seen this man since forever and now he thinking I look good. Ugh. The next day, my sister told me the cousin wants my number. I told her to tell him I don't have a number. My sister was joking about the situation today, talking about it is ok to mess with a distant cousin. Her response: A third cousin is ok. I wonder how many third cousins, she has been with. Eww.

Not to mention, the two former friends, who are in jail for a long time for child molestation. One got 20 years and One got life.

In all these cases, the lines had been crossed and blurred, but no one realized it was. The rationale was, I guess justified and rationalized to make it seem ok.

I have also been in those blurred line situations. The situation would be blatantly wrong but I will justify it or rationalize it to think it is ok.

If I watch this porno, it is ok because it's better than having sex.

 If I give into self-pleasure, then it is ok because of stress.

Those darn kids are trying my last nerve and I need to relax.

If I watch this movie, I can handle this intense, sex scene. '\

Even when I was officially married, instead of separated, I felt bad about cheating at first, but then, I felt if he is going to cheat, then I am going to continue to cheat as well. It's not wrong because he is doing the same thing. I should not feel bad about seeking pleasure from other, even if the other man does not provide it. Blurred lines.

If I listen to this song, I won't get hormonal. Maybe I can talk about sex without letting it too far off base. It's one thing to say I was promiscuous. I had meaningless sex. I was a sex addict. It's another to go into specific details about specific acts. Who, what, when, where, how. I  (maybe you) am trying to maintain my celibacy. If you engage in an explicit or veer close to an explicit conversation, you risk the other party getting horny. (S)he may be willing and waiting for the right opening to let down your defenses. For example, I know this dude, who has been celibate for 6 years. You would think he would be encouragement to me, but he is not. The other day, we was talking about whatever on facebook. He wants a relationship. He misses sex. He is celibate. All that was fine and good but he also said he was horny and wanted some head. I told him No and I will help him remain celibate. He kept bringing up he horny and I finally had to tell him I was uncomfortable with him sending me these messages.

I had already told him how old Stacie felt about sex and felt about men, she had sex with. This conversation could have lead to additional trouble, not to mention guilt or regret for saying too freaking much. You have to set clear boundaries, which will help you in those blurred line situations.

I WILL not watch, buy, subscribe, partake in, pornography.
I WILL install parental controls on my computer for myself 
I WILL not engage in explicit sexual conversations or veer close to it
I WILL try to seek God more for guidance
I WILL find an accountability partner, I can trust with my personal thoughts, without fear of the information leaking out. 
I will avoid that song by that man on that CD or Amazon Cloud 
I WILL delete or block anyone, who tries to pressure me into having sex