Do I need a boyfriend this badly?

I am back. I know I have not written on here in months. Celibacy Diaries had taken a major backseat to Perfect Chaos and Stacie D. Wyatt.com (school blog). I did write an update post, but didn't post it. The update post was supposed to go live on April 2, 2014.

Late Update Post: April 2, 2014

I have not posted in a while. I got busy with school, not to mention a few other problems, I been having. I had been seriously frustrated with a side of depression and loneliness.

The last two weeks, I felt I was about to snap. First, I had received bad grades on 2 of my school assignments. I haven’t made grades that low, since I was enrolled at Wesleyan College at 18 years old. I tried my best. I did the work. I saw the grades and was not happy. I even thought about dropping out of school because I struggle finding events and stories to write about.

Then, I got my divorce papers in the mail. I got them notarized and mailed off, after reviewing them, even though I had a few issues with some of the things in it. I had a major nightmare and realized, despite issues, I don’t want to remain longer in a marriage with someone, who I do not love or like. We was married 5 years and have been separated for 9 years.

Next, I got a letter from child support. Medicaid filed for child support and I am still not ok with this. I was ready to drop my insurance and food stamps, in order to have peace of mind. I was told at first, I could lose my benefits, if I do not comply. I thought the kids would be ok. They receive SSI and Medicaid for life.

At the meeting, I told them my concerns about filing and learned I could not drop the case. Not only would I lose my benefits, the kids would lose theirs too. Kalen has an upcoming dentist and neurologist appointment. Brad is on medications. I also need to make him an appointment with the pediatrician.

Having to comply meant I had to tell my ex about what was going on.  He and I already had an informal agreement about child support. The conversation did not go well.

On top of that, I got a phone call from Brad’s school, saying his clothes were dirty and smelled of urine. . I had washed his clothes the night before. Everything smelt fresh. I’m not sending my child to school smelling funky, wearing funky clothes. He is an Axe man (deodorant and spray). I wash his clothes every other day. 2 shirts, 3 pair of pants.

I feel I am at my wits end. Ready to run away, far ,far away. I am lonely. Depressed. And been crying for the past few days.

Do I need a boyfriend this badly?

I am still waiting for the finalized divorce papers. Can't wait to get them in the mail. I did pass that class with a C. I wasn't happy but at least I did not have to repeat. I am starting to work on my thesis. Literature review is due on Sunday. Lots of research, narration, and a video to create. If all goes well, I will have a masters in New Media Journalism in November. After all the pain I been through with the last few classes, I may have to save up money to get to Miami and walk. I never wanted to walk again after my bachelors, but that C could change my mind :-)

Brad also has been having more issues at school. Kalen also started school. 

Well anyway, on to the topic at hand, Do I need a boyfriend this badly?

My annoying niece is 16 years old. She has a bunch of annoying, teenager friends, who keep trying to get me a boyfriend, with one of their relatives. Last night, one of her friends, wanted to set me up with a 19, year old. Ummm no, Stacie likes older men. 

The same friend also told me before, I needed a boyfriend, so I can move in with him. Don't you just love teenager-thinking. My life would be so great. Move me and my kids into some man's house, just because we dated long enough to be boyfriend and girlfriend, not husband and wife. 

I have lived with men before. The ex-husband, The assumed pedophile (overheard a convo over the phone, which sounded very suspicious, The Jamaican, The former crush, who is now in jail. Of course, I slept with all these men. I never tried to bring my son (Brad) over, while I was living there. The beauty of staying with a man, while you have limited income, is when the situation gets bad, I have to leave and move on to the next living arrangement. 

Now, I have two kids to consider. Two special needs kids with unique needs. Kalen has the following:

1. Global development delay (walking, talking, fine motor)
2. Sensory processing disorder
3. Autism
4. Intellectual disability
5. Heart condition

Brad also has Autism and ADHD. He also has been classified as intellectually disabled and he has sensory issues. Because of Brad's diagnoses, he has daily meltdowns and temper tantrums. He damages walls, while his brother throws things down the holes in the walls. 

I don't think I need a boyfriend this badly. Once again, I have a source of income, but when I move, I am moving into my own place. My name will be on the lease or mortgage ( I wonder if I can receive a house for honest review :-). No man is moving in unless he is on a marriage license and he had intensive experience with my brats. 

I don't want to move in with a man only to get put out because Brad screamed too loudly or Brad damaged his walls. I don't want to move in with a man and get put out because he can't handle my screaming at my kids, when I am frustrated. I also know living with a man, usually means sex eventually. Then, when I get put out, not only do I risk moving back in with my mother (yay), I also have given up my 3 year old, new found, virginity celibacy. Whether out of obligation or desire. No thank you. 

I don't think I need a boyfriend this badly.