What am I Now

January 30, 2017 What am I Now?

This post is hard to write, but I recently had sex and I am so confused. I have a parade of mixed feelings and confusion. I wanted to wait for a husband, but I got someone, who says they wanted a relationship. Someone, who interacted with the kids. Someone, who was good looking with muscles. He also was a Marine.

I lost my identity. What am I? Am I still celibate because I have started the celibacy process over? Am I sexually active or am I just going without? What am I? Who am I? I can't talk to Him about it. He is not a big caller or texter, which I knew before I met him. I have emotions, which showed up after and I can't talk to anyone about them. I feel lost and confused.

I feel guilt for giving up my celibacy. I feel like I betrayed God and myself. I downloaded a few new bible plans on sexuality, which have been seriously helping me, but I feel empty inside. I feel hurt. I feel scared because I have no desire to go back to a promiscious lifestyle.

Was I wrong in thinking a man is willing to wait on me until marriage? Is sex now a requirement for any hope of a relationship?

How to move past losing celibacy and starting over again?

That is the question. How to move past losing celibacy and starting a new path until marriage. Until I find a man, who is willing to wait and do things God's way. The last two weeks of church plus the bible plans have brought home some strong points. 

• Celibacy transforms us. I stopped having sex from 2010 to 2016 and have no desire to be promiscuous again. 
• Pastor Mike said the greatest obstacle is giving up after we fall instead of moving forward. I can still share my growth, development, and failures, even though I sinned against God and betrayed myself. 
• I still want a faithful, monogamous marriage. 
• Santification: seems to be the keyword for church and the bible plans. I have seen this word multiple times. Santification is tied to growth and development. Santification does not mean perfection. We will still sin. We will still fall short. 
• I need to strengthen my boundaries when company comes over (or when we meet somewhere else other than my house.) This may mean the Marine and I are not meant for each other in the long run and he may have to be removed from my life.