Motivation to Self

August 17, 2017

I am trying hard not to give in to this notion that I have to give up my new celibacy (I have not had sex since January) for a potential new relationship. It seems to me, many men are not willing to forgo sex for a relationship. I have to give up part of myself for something, which may not last long term. If it doesn't work out, then I have to start over and go through the process again, as I have done before.

I am lonely and yes, I want a relationship one day, but I have enough regrets and a high body count to keep me in check. I thought of this post, while listening to Angel by Casting Crowns (Come to the Well Album). I want love. I have done stupid things, in hopes someone will love me.

A while back, a facebook friend wrote "sex does not mean love.". Sex does not equate to love. I can have sex with you and not love you. So, this means, I can fall in love with someone, without having sex with them. I want to do something different. If having sex outside of marriage, does not have long-term success, then why continue to engage in the same behavior? Being promiscious didn't cure my loneliness. Being promiscious didn't make men want to date me.

These sexual partners was not there for me when I was sick or discouraged. They didn't help me achieve goals. They wasn't there when I had both miscarriages. They wasn't around when I needed someone the most. I didn't spot them at a graduation. They did not help me with my kids. Sexual partners are not always there. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but from my experiences, I was still lonely and alone.

I am still lonely and alone, but Im older, wiser, and not settling for the nonsense and bullshit. I am not giving out my number if someone is looking for a sexual relationship. I am not falling for the "I just want to be friends, instead of your boyfriend/husband" nonsense. I do not want to entertain sexual conversations, whether directly or indirectly. I have muted people on Facebook and deleted people because they can not curb the sex talk. His sexual needs are not of my concern. I do understand if a relationship turns serious, I will have to discuss sex before I do. I have to discuss likes and dislikes. He will have to discuss likes and dislikes. Yet, I know I still have to set boundaries. You can't tell too much because everyone can not handle it.

For example, I met someone on a dating site. We never met in person. Mr. X told me he was celibate. I learned from my thesis, everyone has different definitions of celibacy. He still engaged in oral sex, but not penis/vagina penetration. He got upset when I refused to engage in oral sex. He thought because I used to be sexually active, I would engage in one sexual act with him. Slippery Slope. As high as my body count is and how addictive my mind gets, I can not engage in one sexual act. Next thing, I will be engaging in multiple sexual acts with multiple people. There has to be boundaries when you are leading an abstinent or celibate lifestyle.