Catch 22

I was talking to a friend of mine, on Twitter, the other day about various things. The convo brought up a little catch 22, I currently reside in.

When I was a virgin, no one was interested in me. No one approached me, except a classmate at school, asking if my sister performed a particular sex act, using his hands. As an adult, I realized he was probably signing for head or being jacked off.

I also had a cousin (not biological) ask me if I wanted to have sex with him, in my grandma's house, in her room. My uncle's girlfriend', nephew. I still consider her kids, my cousins, but not that nephew.

My grandma put me a bed in her room, after I was diagnosed with epilepsy . She thought the seizures was related to sleeping with a room full of people (my mama and sisters) yet I was in the room with her and my uncle. She slept in her own bed and he slept on the couch (he thought that would help him avoid police lol).

I thought having sex would have more men, interested in me. I did end up getting married, but once I cheated, I learned many valuable lessons. Nope, it did not. People did not want to date the sex object. It also did not help I was separated from my husband, for a long time. No one was interested in dating someone, who was separated, yet my ex dated, had girlfriends, and was engaged multiple times, before we got divorced.

Most men did not care about me having herpes. Rejection occured, but more often than not, I recieved acceptance. I had sex on a regular basis, but if I was sick, hurt, needed money, or a place to stay, a sex buddy, is not going to be the first one to help.  No one is coming to visit you in the hospital. You are essentially alone.

As a celibate woman, no one is still really interested. I get men, who still want to have sex. I also get men, who do not want a relationship with my kids. I been told, I could easily be in a relationship, if I have sex, but being a virgin or being promiscuous did not guarantee success, neither will celibacy.

I had a man, tell me, to move to his state. He will take care of me. I can continue being a stay at home mom, but he wants no relationship with my kids.

I had a man, tell me, my kids, my responsibility. He wanted sex, though my dating profiles say  I am celibate. He thought I should humble myself and have sex with him, even though I had no desire too. I also learned he thought I used HSV to scare off men, and I do not really have it. Yeah, these outbreaks, I sometimes have, say otherwise. Finally, he wanted visual proof, that I had HSV, like I am going to wait until I had an outbreak, spread my legs, and expose my vagina to him. I will not degrade myself like that.

My favorite and most honest, was someone, who said, our lifestyles do not click. He can not handle the responsibility of my kids, but if I needed a fix, call him. I probably won't call on him for penis,but I appreciate him, saying upfront he can't handle my chaotic lifestyle.

So to conclude, whether you have sex or not, it does not guarantee any relationship. Maybe God is setting us celibate and abstinent adults aside for something greater. Maybe a successful marriage is in my future, with someone, who was willing to wait until marriage to have sex. I do not want to add more meaningless sex, to the body count. This is my catch-22