Just say No
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I thought of this post around the time, I wrote Respect my Choices but wanted to space them out a bit.
I been single, for most of my life. I started dating online in 1998, where I met my ex-hubs and started my first relationship. I knew the relationship had red flags but also didn't want to be bothered with dating anyone else. I never been big on dating. The rules are complicated and I do not understand.
I started helping, a friend, with a Facebook fan page for his advice column. It started on his personal page and I was noticing he had good engagement on his page. Just based on the questions he gets (and the comments) made me think of this post too.
You go to dating sites. You read the about me section to determine if you are a match. You look at photos for attractiveness and search for clues to determine compatibility. If you determine you and he/she/they/them are not a match, you swipe left and move on--well you are supposed to.
On dating sites, even social media, I am noticing an increase of people hitting me up, when we are NOT a match. One of the best things, I have learned from a man, is to move on when there is not a match, even before they get your phone number. I am guilty of continuing conversations with a incompatible match.
A dude, hit me up last year on Facebook (I determined he was a catfish though). He lived in North Carolina. He thought I was beautiful. blah blah blah. I told him we was not a match because he lived in North Carolina and he wanted kids (happily fixed). I am not interested in long-distance relationships , but he still continued to send messages. After a few conversations, I learned he had a dog. Once again, we are not a match. I am not a pet person. My kids are scared of dogs.
He also didn't like me cleaning every day. I got un-potty-trained, special-needs children. I have to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, and pick up their messes around the home, on a regular basis . I ended up blocking him.
I also blocked someone, this year because he wanted friends. He approached me, while I was waiting outside, in front of my complex, waiting for my oldest to get home from school, with an eight-year old, on my head.
I asked if he wanted platonic friends or non-platonic friends. He wanted non-platonic friends and the conversation continued. Still, keep your guard up. I still have the HSV card if he mentions sex.
By that night, he wanted to come over. Nope. As a single woman with kids, I don't need people coming over at night for any reason. My niece will drop by with laundry, I asked her to do for me, at night, but other than that, nope lol.
Here come over, in my messy, one-bedroom home, with two, wide-awake, children with Autism, who I have to put clothes on, while I entertain some man, I met hours earlier, in the living room, on a couch, my child may or may not have peed or defecated on. Yeah no. I told him I was going to bed, which I eventually I did.
By the next day, he sent multiple messages asking why I went to bed versus inviting him over. He had to pass by my complex, on the way home from work.]He wanted xxx pics and wanted to feel me up, the next day. No way in hell, I am going to maintain a celibate lifestyle, while letting men feel me up, without it leading to sex. He tried to condemn me for having boundaries, I know it won't lead to a healthy, Godly relationship.
Life would be so much easier if we stopped conversations at the point of incompatibility, while the other side understands and does not continue in their persistence of a relationship, which will never work.
I think life would be so much easier if people discussed what they wanted and needed upfront. If you realize they are not a match, move on. Life would also be easier if people understood they are not a match and took rejection well. I know that is not always the case.
Block and delete if they continue being persistent in the pursuit of incompatibility.
Check out the idea list for books, I recommend for maintaining a celibate lifestyle.
I thought of this post around the time, I wrote Respect my Choices but wanted to space them out a bit.
I been single, for most of my life. I started dating online in 1998, where I met my ex-hubs and started my first relationship. I knew the relationship had red flags but also didn't want to be bothered with dating anyone else. I never been big on dating. The rules are complicated and I do not understand.
I started helping, a friend, with a Facebook fan page for his advice column. It started on his personal page and I was noticing he had good engagement on his page. Just based on the questions he gets (and the comments) made me think of this post too.
You go to dating sites. You read the about me section to determine if you are a match. You look at photos for attractiveness and search for clues to determine compatibility. If you determine you and he/she/they/them are not a match, you swipe left and move on--well you are supposed to.
On dating sites, even social media, I am noticing an increase of people hitting me up, when we are NOT a match. One of the best things, I have learned from a man, is to move on when there is not a match, even before they get your phone number. I am guilty of continuing conversations with a incompatible match.
A dude, hit me up last year on Facebook (I determined he was a catfish though). He lived in North Carolina. He thought I was beautiful. blah blah blah. I told him we was not a match because he lived in North Carolina and he wanted kids (happily fixed). I am not interested in long-distance relationships , but he still continued to send messages. After a few conversations, I learned he had a dog. Once again, we are not a match. I am not a pet person. My kids are scared of dogs.
He also didn't like me cleaning every day. I got un-potty-trained, special-needs children. I have to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, and pick up their messes around the home, on a regular basis . I ended up blocking him.
I also blocked someone, this year because he wanted friends. He approached me, while I was waiting outside, in front of my complex, waiting for my oldest to get home from school, with an eight-year old, on my head.
I asked if he wanted platonic friends or non-platonic friends. He wanted non-platonic friends and the conversation continued. Still, keep your guard up. I still have the HSV card if he mentions sex.
By that night, he wanted to come over. Nope. As a single woman with kids, I don't need people coming over at night for any reason. My niece will drop by with laundry, I asked her to do for me, at night, but other than that, nope lol.
Here come over, in my messy, one-bedroom home, with two, wide-awake, children with Autism, who I have to put clothes on, while I entertain some man, I met hours earlier, in the living room, on a couch, my child may or may not have peed or defecated on. Yeah no. I told him I was going to bed, which I eventually I did.
By the next day, he sent multiple messages asking why I went to bed versus inviting him over. He had to pass by my complex, on the way home from work.]He wanted xxx pics and wanted to feel me up, the next day. No way in hell, I am going to maintain a celibate lifestyle, while letting men feel me up, without it leading to sex. He tried to condemn me for having boundaries, I know it won't lead to a healthy, Godly relationship.
Life would be so much easier if we stopped conversations at the point of incompatibility, while the other side understands and does not continue in their persistence of a relationship, which will never work.
- Just say no if he/she/they/them wants kids and you don't (and vice versa).
- Just say no if he/she/they/them wants sex and you don't
- Set a few boundaries if you are a virgin, celibate, or abstinent. Do not entertain sexual conversations. Do not comment on sexual conversations on social media posts. Do not send xxx pics. Do not give them your number if you are tempted.
- If they are persistent, block and delete.
- Just say no if he/she/they/them lives in far far away land and you are not interested in a long-distance relationship.
- Just say no if they keep coming in and out of your life for whatever reason, except a loving, consistent, relationship.
- Just say no Just say no if he/she/they/them will have an issue with your religion or culture.
- In fact, discuss those important topics, upfront, in the dating stage. Don't wait until you are almost married to discuss these issues. (Big fan of #90dayfiance and #brideandprejudice).
- Just say no if he/she/they/them if you have special-needs children and they do not want to deal with them.
- Just say no if he/she/they/them do not know what they are looking for. Nothing worse than trying to pry out what they want from a conversation. You looking for friends? Ok, is that platonic or non-platonic?
- Just say Just say no if he/she/they/them if you are not willing to compromise on your values and ideals for them.
- Just say no if he/she/they/them are incompatible. If they continue to be persistent in convincing you, yall should be together, #blockanddelete
I think life would be so much easier if people discussed what they wanted and needed upfront. If you realize they are not a match, move on. Life would also be easier if people understood they are not a match and took rejection well. I know that is not always the case.
Block and delete if they continue being persistent in the pursuit of incompatibility.
Check out the idea list for books, I recommend for maintaining a celibate lifestyle.
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