I rather find myself a love than find myself alone

I downloaded the new Joe: Double Back: Evolution of R&B from Amazon a few days ago. One of the songs, which stood out was I rather have a love. Joe states how he rather have a love than find myself alone. That was deep because I been separated since 2005. I need to get a divorce and try to date again, even though that is not fun to me. but I can't find the love of my life if I do not date. If I do not put myself out there.

Another song, which stood out was Love and Sex, which talks about how Joe used to be out there. Having all the girls and a lot of sex. Sounds similar to me. I had a lot of men. I been around a few times with many races and ethnicities. There is a difference between love and sex.  I learned that lesson as well. Love is not sex. Sexing someone does not mean you love them and vice versa. You can mistake one for the other, as I have done plenty of times. Sex can be an expression of committed, married, love. See, I am improving, I said married. Sex does not replace love either.


What I am looking for in a man, right now: Let's see:

• Believes in God. Christian. Trying to live right because no one is perfect. 
• Celibate. Not trying to be pressured into having sex right away
• Does not want any more kids. I am fixed. I can't give a man a biological kid. He must have all the kids he wants right now because I can not do it. 
• Patience and understanding with special needs kids
• Must have a job or source of income. Pays his own bills because I pay my own and will continue to do so. I do not want to pay his. I am picky about money: lending and giving. I do not mind helping folks, but within limits. I don't have a credit card or a checking account. I am not messing up my credit more. I am not taking out a payday loan or a title loan. I am not selling my body for sex. I am not co-signing for anything. 
• Must have a place to stay. He is not living with me and I am not living with him. I am not living with another man again, unless he is a room mate and paying half the rent. and we do not have sex ever. Most of the men I have stayed with before, I have had sex with.
• I guess he can not judge me on my sexual past and I can not judge him on his. I just hope he never asks me about my sex count.
• Must be ok with me having herpes. 8 years. will be 9 years in October.
• I still love older, bald men though :-). Not sure what an 18 year old can do for me besides have sex. 

Back to the celibacy. Interesting story last nite. I get a message on a dating website from someone, saying he was horny. This was after midnight. I told him I was celibate. He said he knew and wanted to see if I wanted to have sex with him anyway. Nope. He continued to be persistent. Told me he knew me from when I used to be on Fling. I deactivated Fling almost 2 years ago. He knew of my pics and videos. I told him that was then, this is now. I was having sex when I got on Fling in 2006. I also lived in another state. He even asked for a pic of it, whatever it is. I told him I do not send XXX pics and videos. He finally said he will stop trying. SMH. He was a test. A temptor. I passed. 

The old me would have got up, took a bath, and went to sleep with the man. Now, of course, then, I only had one kid and he did not live with me. No one would have knew if I left my kids in bed, alone, while I went on a sexcapade. No one but me and God. My conscious. Giving up my celibacy for a random dude, I probably never see again. I know one-night stands. Nah not worth it.