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About Me

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Welcome to Google (whether Plus, Perfect Chaos, or the Celibacy Diaries). My name is Stacie D. Wyatt.  I am a published poet and writer (Chocolate Kisses; Love.Lust.Life., Miscarried, Conversing with Sexuality; Conversing with Salvation; Conversing with Normality; Conversations 1, Never Argue with an Autistic child and other special tales, and Conversations 2. ). 

 I am also a product and book reviewer for a few sites (BookSneeze, Blogging for Books, Bethany House, Edelweiss, Tyndale House, and Netgalley). I will post reviews here regularly. I post reviews on Perfect Chaos. 

I also have two kids: 13 years old and 3 year old. My oldest is Autistic and my youngest is developmentally delayed, autistic, and a few other things. I also enjoy writing about the ups and downs of parenting two differently-abled children.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Birthday reflection




My 37th Birthday was on the 19th. In the past, I would enjoy sex on my birthday, sometimes multiple partners over the course of the day. On my birthday, this year, I went to church. I cleaned. I cooked. I was tortured by the kids, but I did not engage in sexual activities.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I was flipping through the channels and landed on Tony Evans discussing lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes. I don't know the title of the sermon and didn't take notes, but it came in handy that morning (If anyone knows the title of the sermon, let me know).  He discussed how lust can draw you away from Jesus.

The Lusts of the Flesh

1 John 2:16-17 says  "For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes,and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever"


A. Defined by Revelation.co


Revelation.co defined the lust of the flesh as the "temptation to feel physical pleasure from some sinful activity--to so something to make the flesh feel satisfied. It can involve any type of sexual activity that will bring pleasure to the body."  

Lusts of the flesh can include sexual sins, drug use, and physical violence.

B. Defined by Dr. David Allen

On Dr. David Allen's site, he discusses how the lusts of the flesh can draw people away from God. The lusts of the flesh "fights against the will of God in your life".

C. What God Says: 

According to the Galatians 5:19-21:

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God

Knowing Jesus provides a list of other bible verses about lusts of the flesh.

I am glad I did not fall back into old habits after the lost. I am glad I did not fallback into old habits on my birthday.

I was talking to a man online earlier today. He has told me before he frequents hookers because "he is a man and has needs" but he also wants a relationship and a wife. The thing about it is that when I was promiscuous, if someone told me they wanted a relationship, I would leave them alone because I could not give them the desires of their heart. Now, I won't touch a man, who is sexually active because I can't give him the lusts of his penis.

Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should

Yesterday,  my youngest was trying to plug my back massager up. I know the child needs to learn how to be independent, but he also has a pacemaker and a heart monitor. I don't want him plugging the wrong thing, the wrong one, one day and hurts his heart. Just because Kalen can plug and unplug up electronics, does not mean he should do so.

Kalen is very observant. He may not show what he knows at first, but eventually you find out. Kalen started out trying to charge my phone (he has broken many chargers and charging ports). Now he wants to plug up everything, but he is 5 and everything is not for him.

So, the title came to mind: Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Just because I can be sexually active and promisciuous, does not mean I should. The dangers out there are bigger than unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, there  are also spiritual and mental ramifications.

There is more to this than being rejected for not giving in to your or someone else's desires. There is more to this than sending or recieving unwanted (maybe wanted) explicit pics. There is more to this than someone wasting your time, telling you they want to be friends or even a relationship, just to have sex.

I got to admit my soul is completely torn since I had sex. I am struggling with how to feel mentally. I haven't heard from this man in weeks, except one text asking for sexual favors, which I deleted once I saw it. I stated my intentions up front. I want a relationship. I want marriage. I want help with the kids. I explained why I chose celibacy and yet fell down hard. Losing celibacy is right up there with my former miscarriages on a mental and spiritual level.

I just do not feel the same way about sex anymore. I want to be more than a sex object. I want to be more than a conquest. More than a girl (shoot channeling Lyfe).

Just because I can doesn't mean I should

Stacie Wyatt


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

VDay Hormones

Something is in the air. I am not popular or the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not rich, but my phone has had in increase in calls in the past week.

A few men have called for "convo" as a way to ask for sex. Someone in the complex called to talk but wants to grab my butt. I am not a big fan of pda and touching without permission is a no no.

Even the dude, I messed up with, texted for head at 230 am. I did not respond and deleted the message, to keep from responding, when I woke up.


Another dude, who I met last year, started calling back. If you havent called since 2016 and we are not friends or business associates, we don't need to talk now.

He was another, who wants a serious relationship, but seems to only want a sexual relationship. If you only call to discuss sex, your motives are clear and intentional. Men (and women) don't have to hide behind a serious relationship if they only want sex. Be open and blunt about what you want, even if you get turned down.

I never been big on blocking numbers ( I just stop answering or texting back) but it is about time to start. Just because I messed up, does not mean I want to repeat all the mistakes of my past.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

What am I Now

January 30, 2017 What am I Now?

This post is hard to write, but I recently had sex and I am so confused. I have a parade of mixed feelings and confusion. I wanted to wait for a husband, but I got someone, who says they wanted a relationship. Someone, who interacted with the kids. Someone, who was good looking with muscles. He also was a Marine.

I lost my identity. What am I? Am I still celibate because I have started the celibacy process over? Am I sexually active or am I just going without? What am I? Who am I? I can't talk to Him about it. He is not a big caller or texter, which I knew before I met him. I have emotions, which showed up after and I can't talk to anyone about them. I feel lost and confused.

I feel guilt for giving up my celibacy. I feel like I betrayed God and myself. I downloaded a few new bible plans on sexuality, which have been seriously helping me, but I feel empty inside. I feel hurt. I feel scared because I have no desire to go back to a promiscious lifestyle.

Was I wrong in thinking a man is willing to wait on me until marriage? Is sex now a requirement for any hope of a relationship?

How to move past losing celibacy and starting over again?

That is the question. How to move past losing celibacy and starting a new path until marriage. Until I find a man, who is willing to wait and do things God's way. The last two weeks of church plus the bible plans have brought home some strong points. 

  • Celibacy transforms us. I stopped having sex from 2010 to 2016 and have no desire to be promiscuous again. 
  • Pastor Mike said the greatest obstacle is giving up after we fall instead of moving forward. I can still share my growth, development, and failures, even though I sinned against God and betrayed myself. 
  • I still want a faithful, monogamous marriage. 
  • Santification: seems to be the keyword for church and the bible plans. I have seen this word multiple times. Santification is tied to growth and development. Santification does not mean perfection. We will still sin. We will still fall short. 
  • I need to strengthen my boundaries when company comes over (or when we meet somewhere else other than my house.) This may mean the Marine and I are not meant for each other in the long run and he may have to be removed from my life. 

Monday, January 30, 2017

Aborted----not going to happen

May 2013

Most people know, I started to lose my sex drive, after my last miscarriage, in 2009, but I did not stop having sex until 2010. I went from having sex a lot to a little to none at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to avoid having another miscarriage.

I had one previously in 2005. It was not fun. My body was in pain. My fibroids was acting up, in addition to back to back outbreaks. I also was not sure who the father was. I went to the doctor to get treatment for the pain. She told me I was pregnant (about two months along). I checked my calendar for potential fathers and lost it. (side note: ever since I started having sex, I wrote each time down in my calendar, even while married. I tracked cycles, outbreaks, and sex. ). The calendar fell on a date, (the only date, within the two week time frame), when I had multiple partners, some on the same day.

If I got pregnant a few weeks before or a few weeks after, it would have been better, but the father could have been anyone. . Anyway, my body continued to be in pain. During August, 2005, I was in more pain. I went to the bathroom, thinking I had gas or something, and the mucus plug fell out in the toilet. I lost the baby. I went to the hospital alone. I lost the baby alone. I never wanted to go through that again.

It happened again. Fast forward to 2009. I met this fine, chocolate, man, in Atlanta, in 2006. He was the embodiment of sexiness. He provided me with great sex once in 2006. We did not have much in common and that was it. He said we was not relationship material (did not know we was seeking one) and we probably will never have sex again. The sexual relationship was over--so I thought.

Yet, I was addicted, I wanted more. He was my second great sex partner I ever had. I thought about him all the time. Even named a sex toy after him. We started back having sex in 2008. A man, hit me up, wanting to have sex around New Years Eve. I had to work part of that night. I told him yes, even though I had reservations. We had sex before and it sucked. I was going to cancel on him before he left his house, but he called and told me some interesting news.

Now, I was a former sex addict, and I know a few tricks/techniques men have used on me. I can spot a few things, a mile in advance. This dude called and said we was going to a friend house (alarms went up. sounds like a three some or a train). Then, he gave the friend's name (hormones went up). A chance to sex a great one. A chance to prove he would fuck me again. I went. I had sex with both men. I deleted the other dude's number, but maintained a sexual relationship with the great one for a few months (April, 2009).

I got a headache one day. Went to the clinic. I needed pain pills. The doctor said I can't have pain pills because I was pregnant. Ok, when was conception? Checked the calendar and my addiction fell within that two week time frame. I did not want anything from him--no more than what he was doing.

Now after the first miscarriage, I wanted to avoid some stress to keep from having another miscarriage. I did not want an outbreak or the fibroids to act up. I did not want to sit with legs propped up, losing a baby, in a hospital alone. First thing, I wanted to do was notify any potential father (s) about the pregnancy (to get that out the way). Then, I needed medicaid for myself. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday, May 18, 2009. I told the potential father on Tuesday. He said we was not in a relationship. We didn't love each other. It was not his. I should get an abortion (I don't believe in those).

If the baby was not his, then why did he want me to abort someone else's baby?

It hurt me to my core, once he said abortion. I wanted nothing from him (except the penis. Took me awhile to get over him. Great penis is hard to find).Went back to the Clinic on Wednesday to pick up the emergency medicaid forms. I noticed I was spotting. They rushed me to the hospital. I was there for hours and hours. The potential daddy was still texting me. I got home and  I prayed to the Lord, that if I could not handle another miscarriage alone, please take the baby from me.  When I woke up Thursday morning, I was bleeding heavily. I lost the baby that day.   alone again. legs propped up, losing baby, without any support. I lost a lot of respect for men that day. I had 600 names in my phone (family, friends, business contacts, potential sex partners, current sex partners, past sex partners). I started deleting numbers that day. I felt that most of these folks, would not sit in a hospital with me, during a miscarriage. I got down to 200 names before I left the hospital. Deleted potentials, past, and some currents.

A few days later, I went into post partum depression. I was upset I prayed for a "mental abortion". I was more worried/upset about losing great penis, than the baby (the mind of a sex addict). I could have raised the baby alone. No one really knew what I was going through.

When I was pregnant with Kalen, His father said the same thing. It was not his and I needed an abortion. If the baby was not his, then why did he want me to abort someone else's baby?I checked and verified with the doctor on conception dates. I wanted to be sure.

I found out I was pregnant in January, 2011. I checked the calendar. Since, I stopped having a lot of sex, the calendar was easier to look at. The doctor said I got pregnant in August. I had sex with one man at the beginning of August. I had sex with one man at the end of August. The doctor said I got pregnant towards the end. I did not have sex with anyone else until the middle or so until September. It was strange to me--that out of all the men, I had sex with---I still got pregnant by this one particular one. But, this time, it was easier. I wanted a healthy, stress-free pregnancy, even if I had to go through it alone (and I did it). Kalen is a happy baby.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

It's the Little Things

It's the Little Things by Stacie Wyatt: started writing this at 8 something this am. 

I am having a hard time this with my celibacy journey. If I don't find a way to gain a little more control, I do not see this journey going another year, let alone six years. I need a husband--not just for sex--but to help channel some sexual desires into him--but I am not sure I am ready yet mentally. It was the little things, this week, which may cause me to stumble and fall hard, if I am not careful and ask God for serious help. 

I never expected the journey to get rough this week. I think it started with meeting a platonic friend, ahem acquaintance, wannabe boyfriend, and wannabe sex partner. I figured out the wannabe sex partner part after we met up. For the blog, let's call him Trey, a shortened version of his name. Tried doing a mini search on him online by phone number, but no luck. 


Brad has an appointment

Trey is a good looking, dark-chocolate complected, bald headed man. Trey has a job and is a former Marine. I told Trey we can meet up Tuesday, after my son's doctor appointment, but the meet up almost did not happen. Usually Brad's appointments are over quick and we are home within a decent time, to take Brad back to school, before 11 a.m. I arrived at the clinic a little before 8, when they was first opening up. My appointment was at 9, but Brad has a reputation (his last visit, he slammed a door because the doctor wanted blood work, and a nice hole was left in the wall.). We left the clinic around 9 and the problems started. 

I gave Brad my phone to keep him calm during the appointment---big mistake. My phone was dead when we left. I pulled out one of my power banks and tried to get a charge, while going to get some food to also keep him calm. With what little charge I had, I called transportation and no one answered. I went to Wal-Greens for food. 30 minutes later, tried transportation again. No answer. Called the main transportation hotline, instead of the driver and my phone went dead. Next option was to pull out the laptop, charge the phone, and hope no one passed by trying to steal the Dell, no matter how slow it goes and how many times it crashes. 

I finally got a hold of the driver and he said he was stuck in traffic and it will be over an hour before he shows up. He showed up just before Brad was about to bolt off into the parking lot.

We headed home and then hopped on public transportation to take Brad to school. I got Brad to school and headed to Kalen's school for another interesting part of my day .

Kalen Got Sick


After we left the clinic at 9, I noticed I had a few voice messages. I was able to check one of them before the phone went dead. Kalen had diarrhea at school and they wanted me to pick him up. Once I got a decent charge, I had to call the school to let them know, I was at a doctors appointment and I had no idea when I would be on my side of Northwest Houston. If I picked up Kalen from school, then I had to drop Brad off at school. I had considered leaving Brad at home, depending on what time we got back to Antoine Drive, but Kalen threw a wrench in this plan. After Brad and I got home, I took a quick potty break, grabbed the stroller, and headed to the bus stop. 


After Brad got to school, I hopped back on the bus to Kalen's school. If he was still sick, I will take him home. It is about a 10 minute walk from the school to the house. If he was not still sick, I would go to the store and head home. Kalen was still sick. The teacher had to give him back up clothes to wear. I put the baby in the stroller and headed to the store for some detergent, fabric softener, and batteries for my mouse. 

Then Trey Called


He called while I was walking to the store. The .99 cent store is across from Kalen's school. While I was walking through the parking lot, I got a call. He wanted to meet up and just talk. Told him, I do not know since I been dealing with doctors and now a sick kid all day, but I do crave some non-kid communication. I told him he can visit and I will be home in about 10 minutes hopefully. I had issues with the stroller wheels. My bag dropped and broke, while going over a section of cracked sidewalk. 

I got close to the complex, was about to turn in, and then saw Brad's aide getting off the bus 1:30 too early. I had asked him to please come near the time Brad gets off the bus, but Jean claims he lives too far away (which is not good if something bad happens and I need an aide for the day) and he needs to arrive early otherwise, he will not be there when Brad's bus arrives. I believe in early arrivals, but I need my quiet time each day as an introvert and as a parent.

Damn, Damn, Damn. I got a child in a stroller. I got an aide, who shows up too early. I got a friend, who is on his way. I walk in the gates and start heading to the house, when Trey calls again and says he is at the gate. Do you see a woman, with a stroller, and an light-skinned aide? yep and gave him directions to my apartment by road, while I took the sidewalks. Drivers be crazy in these parts, even in the complex. 

I met Trey near the apartments and invited him in--toddler, mama, aide, friend. I haven't been home most of the day. The house is not too clean. I put down my bags--hid my purse--trust no one--and tried to do a little cleaning--at least the bathroom. I also had to start figuring out what to cook for dinner before Brad got home. 

The introvert in me wanted a little conversation, but the aide took care of this issue. The aide and the friend had their own conversation about religion and politics for almost two hours, but the introvert in me, also had some time to do more cleaning. I started washing dishes, wiping down counters, sweeping bedroom, and sweeping living room. 

When we went to go get Brad off the bus, Trey wanted to know why the aide talks so much lol. Of course, he tried to grab my butt and boobs before he left--now we have a problem. I knew I had discussed having herpes. I had told him I am celibate, but he still wanted a feel. The Marine told me he was looking for a relationship--even if it was not with me. Even if I was sexually active, I normally did not slept with men, who was adamant about relationships, marriage, and kids. Now, I want a marriage. Someone to help me with my kids. A godly relationship. I thought Trey was looking for something similar, but I may be wrong. 

I have met a few men in six years and most of them, except one, has tried to challenge this journey. A few tried to grab a body part. One tried to tell me about people don't get into relationships without test driving the goods first. The men's behavior has caused me to doubt at times this journey and if I need to have sex to get a boyfriend or a husband. Same messed up thinking, which lead me to lose my virginity before I was ready. I thought I needed to have sex to get a date, to get someone more interested in me. 

Do I need to compromise these new principles to be wanted, to be needed, to get an I do? I know the answer is no, but at times, a yes seems to be the answer. It gets lonely and depressing at times. 

The Next Day or the day after

Tall, dark, and handsome called. I said I was having a rough day. Brad had half days for Wednesday and Thursday. The kids also missed school Thursday because I overslept because Brad would not go to sleep. I told him I was having issues with the kids and he texted he was struggling sexually and wanted to be service---by me. We got a bigger problem. He also asked for xxx pics Friday. I actually tried to find my old photos, hidden in my email--not for him--he never got any--but the pics caused a few more regrets. In some of the pics, I didn't remember names. At that time, I didn't care if I knew your name, age, kids, other things, and now I wanted to get to know someone and know those little things about someone. 

Return of the Ex

An ex sex partner tried to video chat with me twice last night. I missed both calls because I was uploading videos for my other blog on Instagram. I sent him a text to see what he wanted and he wanted to video chat. No harm right---I haven't seen him since 2009 or 2010. He is another good looking, chocolate man with a mohawk. JB is an amazing singer and has a great career ahead of him. Of course, he wanted to discuss all the good decent sex, we used to have, none of which I remember. 

I remember we could have had sex, when we first met, but I had to disclose herpes before we went too far. He was not too comfortable with the HSV, I thinks. I still saw him around Atlanta, singing in various places. I don't remember when we met up next, but we did eventually have sex. JB had me mixed up with someone else because he started telling me about things, I know he never did with me. I hardly remember but I know some basic Stacie needs, was not met to consider him good or great. 

We talked for hours about various topics including sex--we have a big problem. I realized I am not ready to have sex anytime soon. JB wants to visit Texas soon and visit me for a few days. From Trey's behavior to JBs to my behavior, I know I would not be faithful to a non-committed relationship. If I slept with Trey, nothing will stop me from sleeping with JB unless a godly force intervenes, but then what happens? JB goes back to Georgia and do I continue to have sex with Trey, until I have sex with someone else and someone else, and the old Stacie is back. 

Why the struggle?


I am not completely sure why i'm struggling this week. Maybe it’s meeting someone for the first time in a long time and my thoughts went haywire. Tall, chocolate, bald, military man. I was very impressed when he told the aide he was a former Marine and has traveled intensively around the world. I was impressed when he got Kalen to stop doing something. I was impressed when he suffered with talking to the aide, so I could clean in peace. I was happy for some company, I guess

With the ex, maybe it was familiarity. I know him. We had sex before. The convo was going well. He flattered with compliments.

I also just realized both of them said similar things. Both of them wanted relationships. Both of them wanted to help with the kids. They said the right things at the wrong times. Where was the relationship talk when I first met the ex sex buddy in downtown Atlanta? Is sex a requirement, once again, to meet someone? To get to know someone? To marry someone?

I need prayer this week. I need godly, Christian prayer, because my flesh is weak. My willpower is faltering. I am struggling mentally. 



Monday, December 19, 2016

The Day One Gene



I discussed previously, how I lied  to the first person I met online, the first sexual partner, the first kiss, based on advice, I got from someone, who did not have any good intentions behind the advice. Advice, I still regret 18 years later. The funny part was the person, who gave the bad advice, has a mimimal presence in my life, while my first, has a major presence. I was counting facebook messages, me and him, have had over the years. Over 16k from a person, I never thought would be in my life again. ( I am looking for the first message on Facebook, but the scroll button gets tired :-))

I searched for him countless times since Google was invented, but even someone with an uncommon name, can not be found so easily. God was in the works because it took a Facebook friend to send money through paypal for a book to figure out one of my good friends, was the day one. 

I started thinking about how many times, have I treated someone unkind, who still had a major presence in my life. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you said the wrong words. Maybe you secretly despised them, never knowing one day, they will be a close friend or help you collaborate on a major project. 

What if Day 1 never spoke to me again? What if God didn't lead him back into my life? What if God has something collossal planned--not necessarily a relationship or marriage, but something big, which requires both of you to work together to achieve something great. 

I still, at times, stare at the old email, which lead me to complete shock and awe. This was two years ago and it is amazing how life works. The person, who you never expect to see or hear from again, makes a surprising entrance in your life. It's the power of a moment. (I heard this song while writing this post. Seems to fit perfectly)


Thursday, November 10, 2016

Do You Wanna Be?

I wrote this poem a few days ago as an ode to men, who can't understand why I chose celibacy and why I am not interested in going back to a promiscious lifestyle. For the men, who sneak try to sneak sex into conversations, even after you asked them not too. For example, someone called me a few days after Halloween. He asked what I did for the day and I said I had bought some half off Halloween candy. His response: "When can I have some of your candy?" Not cute at all. Not relationship material at all.

I tried to explain how I used to be and I still had those old Stacie thoughts, which popped up every now and then, which would not be good for him. I had more one night stands than repeat sexual partners. I didn't try to develop an emotional connection with most of the men. I deleted numbers quick. I have an addictive mind and if I start back, there is no guarantee, I would have sex with one person, especially if I am not committed to him. If I am going to have sex with you, what is going to stop me from returning to fI prefer to wait until someone says I do before having sex again. I still have sexual urges but doesn't mean I am going to have sex with someone, simply because they text or call. And yet, he still asked for sex and if he can engage in some sexual touching, even if he doesn't get intercourse. No was the answer and he hasn't called since.


Do you wanna be?


Do you wanna be another number?
Another notch on the proverbial belt slash bed.
Do you want to be another regret?
Another waste of time.
Another number deleted, sometimes before the act is completed. Yeah I did that.
And I didn't regret that.
Do you want to be remembered because there is a chance you will be forgotten within a year or two, that is if I bothered to learn your name.
Names not important when sex is temporary and so is your presence.
My essence is becoming more cold and heartless.
Emotionless when it comes to sex, unless you are the best, but the best been locked in years ago and you can't compete, but you will be compared to the best there ever was and no, you can never be because I am not into you like that.

This is your warning.
I started out sex thinking this is now to get noticed, how to get attention, but no one mentioned that down the road, your heart can grow cold and twisted.
No one said that all sexual acts will never be more than a sexual thing.
Forget emotions and a relationship thing because the vagina is a mean woman, after many experiences.
You will never get my heart with your penis.
So, I know of a few tricks you may use to get me to choose you over celibacy.
I am on to you when you try to sneak sexual innuendos into every conversation because nothing is new under the sun.
Those tired cliches, over and done.

Even if you succeed to break down my walls and enter the sanctuary, which has been closed to intruders.
You run the risk of the former nympho coming out.
I may have sex, but it won't be with only you.
if I am going to start, why end it with you when I am not committed to the act of my vagina and your penis.
You still may get deleted because old Stacie had more one night stands than repeats. You may be cock blocked before this poem is finished.
Are you sure you are in this to win this--because from time to time, those old thoughts still creep in and I have to keep praying to stop those demons from entering. If you are not willing to wait, don't waste my time because me having sex right now will fuck me up big time.
I don't need more numbers, i don't need more regrets.
The celibacy journey is not an easy route.
Just because you want to stick a fork in my road, doesn't mean I am detouring off.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Sink Hole

November 28th, 2015.
I wrote this a while back. It made sense then, but I am not so sure now.



The Sink Hole

I had a dream this morning, where I had this vanity in the closet with a glass mirror. All of a sudden the walls and floors started to cave in. I got out the way but I was left with a huge sink hole on one side of the closet. I can see down to the bottom.

I could see my vanity dresser with my things below, but I didn't have the manpower or tools to lift my dresser back up, so the floor and walls could be repaired.

I thought about my life, after having this dream. How something so simple can cave in and we don't know how to fix the problem. As I have previously stated, I started off dating with the wrong intentions. I thought having sex would attract more men. I never got this dating thing down. I was shy, reserved, fatter, and no one ever approached me in high school. I didn't date by choice but no one even asked if they could. I always been the lonely, shy type. I didn't really like people, but I did want a few people to like me back.

When I started having sex, I didn't feel those immediate and floors caving in. I did feel some guilt and remorse, but some of the guilt faded over time. I didn't like sex at first though. I wasn't sure what to feel and I wasn't comfortable asking. I knew I didn't like it. It wasn't until I was married and started talking to coworkers, that I learned more about sex. My first taste of wanting good sex was after reading Zane's Addicted. I was impressed. I didn't know sex could feel like that. I hated sex with the ex husband. I cried a lot after sex because it was so bad. routine, monotonous. more about his pleasure than mine. Never had an orgasm with him.

Even when I first cheated, I waited maybe a week or two before doing it again. I had guilt but I felt since he was going to still disappear on the weekends and come in when he wanted, so can I. I didn't have to go out at night to raise suspicions. I can have sex before I went to school or after I left school and before work. The walls were starting to cave in. The sex numbers started to climb from the 20's to the many (I am still not comfortable with people knowing my sex count. Something I do feel a lot of guilt about).

Every year the amount of people, I had sex with increased. I also had increases in visits to the std clinic. Increases in outbreaks. I was diagnosed with a few curable stds during this time. I hated going to the clinic but at times, I needed treatment. I hated when they asked to give some of my pills to my partners because the partners were many, which meant more pills for me. I hated using condoms all the time.

My walls officially caved in after my last miscarriage. The pain of being in the hospital alone again. of going through something so major again. My heart hurt more than the first miscarriage. Hurt more than all the abuse, I went through with the marriage. I been celibate 5 years now. My outbreaks have decreased. I haven't had a temporary std in a long long long time. I still haven't dated anyone by choice and no one is approaching me either.

My theory failed. Having sex increases your popularity, but you can still be lonely and depressed. when you are hurting, the sex partners are not there. they are not a shoulder to cry on. Not having sex doesn't increase your popularity, especially on the dating sites. I am still lonely, depressed at times. I would like to date more, but sometimes I feel have to give up my celibacy to make anyone interested. and then regret will kick in. 

Many people want to test drive before making a final purchase, but how many test drives is enough? Will anyone step out on faith and make a purchase before sampling the goods? What if the test drive is not up to his standards and they walk out on you.

Giving up a part of you sexually and mentally because that hurt will hurt greatly. Another caved in wall. Another sink hole with me trying to pull up the pieces of my self to put back together. I don't know how long I will be celibate. I don't know if I will ever get married or stay single forever. I just don't want to look down on another sink hole from engaging in promiscuous , ungodly, behavior.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Everything is Temporary

December 19.2015



I was soaking in the tub the other day, just thinking and reflecting, when I saw something I didn't like on the wall. The wall was peeling and a big water blister was staring right at me. I spent months (and still working on it) changing the look of the bathroom. A new paint job on the walls, a new shower head (every few months because someone keeps breaking them), a new shower arm, a child/adult toilet seat, new shower curtains, a toilet paper holder, and a soap holder. A bathroom is supposed to a be a place to relax and to get away from the kids stalking you everywhere you go. 

I got out the tub to inspect the wall and had to peel some of the paint back to let the water flow out. Then, I saw sheetrock. I had another leak somewhere in the walls. I already had a leak at the bottom of the baseboard near the tub. I have tried using foam in the hole. I tried a waterproof sealant. I tried to nail another board on top of the base board and then plaster everything. I don't like the leak because my room is on the other side and water flows through the walls, into my room, and on m carpet. Water also means mold and mildew. 

Of course, I get back in the tub, close the curtain (so I don't have to look at the wall), finish the back and head back into my room. 

The next day, I move the portable closet back so I can clean behind it and put up Brad's diapers and mattress pads and I discovered my wall was peeling. The side, which touches the back of the shower walls. I had another water blister and I was not happy about that. I painted my walls brown a while ago. While I was inspecting the walls for damage, I noticed the corner was too weak and wearing away. If the part of the wall breaks, I don't know what damage it can cause since it is touching the bedroom. I also noticed part of my floor was sinking in. 

All the work I put in and some of it is coming apart. Everything is temporary. This life is temporary. Your child hood is temporary. Your adult life is temporary. One day, you are starting elementary school and the next, you are watching your own children start middle school. Even my period of high sexual activity was temporary. I have been celibate for over 5 years now. Everything fades away. Everything passes. The only thing, which is eternal is the kingdom of Heaven. 

The walls leak, The floors sink. The paint blisters. The carpet has to be replaced, but God is forever and everything else is temporary. 

Stacie D. Wyatt